10 Questions to
Consider When There's Been an Affair
Susie and Otto Collins
Need some help finding out whether your
suspicions are true or not? Here's a sure-fire
way to do it...
Whether you’ve been in your relationship for 2
months, 2 years or 20 years, if one or both of
you have been discovered in an extra-marital
affair, it can be devastating to the
the considerations that both people have to make
at that time is whether they want to stay to
rebuild the damaged relationship or leave.
relationship coaching practice and workshops,
we’ve guided hundreds of people through a
conscious decision-making process of whether to
stay and work to make their relationship better
or whether to leave their relationship with
grace--even when there's been infidelity.
this article, we’re offering ten powerful,
thought-provoking questions that you need to
deeply consider if you are in this situation.
invite you to take some time to reflect on these
questions and write out your responses without
censoring or judging them.
your partner is willing and you feel like you
can ask, invite him/her to answer these
questions as well, and then compare your
Whether you are the one who had the affair or
your partner cheated on you, the answer to these
questions could help you to decide your next
you considering leaving this relationship?
Although this question may seem obvious,
reflecting on it will shed light on how deep
your pain is in this relationship.
you are considering leaving, what is the real
reason underneath your answer to question #1?
There’s always a reason
underneath what you say is the problem, even
when there's been an affair. This question is
not to trivialize your answers to the first
question but rather to ask you to delve deeper.
If you were the one who had the affair, are you
prepared to end it? What is your level of
commitment to rebuilding your relationship and
trust with your partner?
you were the one who was cheated on, what is
your level of commitment to forgiving your
partner (assuming that he/she wants to continue
the relationship) and learning to trust again.
this relationship repairable? How much desire do
you have to rebuild it?
6) Whether you were
the one who had the affair or the one who was
cheated on, what was your role in creating the
situation that happened?
important is your commitment to your partner and
keeping this relationship together compared to
other things in your life?
We’re asking you to look at your values when you
answer this question. For example: If you are
considering leaving, is having the love you want
more important to you than keeping your current
lifestyle or home?
Are you willing to
do whatever is necessary to break down the walls
and heal what is happening between the two of
have you changed since you entered into this
relationship and how have your wants, needs, and
desire for what you want in a relationship
is the biggest reason to stay in this
relationship and what is the biggest reason to
Honestly considering what you would be getting
out of each of these scenarios will help you to
determine what is right for you.
are considering whether to stay in or leave a
relationship after there's been an affair, these
10 questions are a good way to begin to focus
If you are interested in delving
deeper into this question, you’ll find many more
questions, insights and personal stories in our
book “Should you stay or Should you go?.” To
find out more about this book visit our web site