"10 Questions to Consider When There's Been an Affair"

By Susie and Otto Collins

Whether you’ve been in your relationship for 2 months, 2 years or 20 years, if one or both of you have been discovered in an extra-marital affair, it can be devastating to the relationship.

One of the considerations that both people have to make at that time is whether they want to stay to rebuild the damaged relationship or leave.

In our relationship coaching practice and workshops, we’ve guided hundreds of people through a conscious decision-making process of whether to stay and work to make their relationship better or whether to leave their relationship with grace--even when there's been infidelity.

In this article, we’re offering ten powerful, thought-provoking questions that you need to deeply consider if you are in this situation. 

We invite you to take some time to reflect on these questions and write out your responses without censoring or judging them.

If your partner is willing and you feel like you can ask, invite him/her to answer these questions as well, and then compare your answers.

Whether you are the one who had the affair or your partner cheated on you, the answer to these questions could help you to decide your next steps. 

1)  Are you considering leaving this relationship?

Although this question may seem obvious, reflecting on it will shed light on how deep your pain is in this relationship.  

2)  If you are considering leaving, what is the real reason underneath your answer to question #1?

There’s always a reason underneath what you say is the problem, even when there's been an affair.  This question is not to trivialize your answers to the first question but rather to ask you to delve deeper.

3)  If you were the one who had the affair, are you prepared to end it? What is your level of commitment to rebuilding your relationship and trust with your partner?

4)  If you were the one who was cheated on, what is your level of commitment to forgiving your partner (assuming that he/she wants to continue the relationship) and learning to trust again.

5)  If this relationship repairable? How much desire do you have to rebuild it?

6)  Whether you were the one who had the affair or the one who was cheated on, what was your role in creating the situation that happened?

7)  How important is your commitment to your partner and keeping this relationship together compared to other things in your life?

We’re asking you to look at your values when you answer this question.  For example: If you are considering leaving, is having the love you want more important to you than keeping your current lifestyle or home? 

8)   Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to break down the walls and heal what is happening between the two of you.

9)   How have you changed since you entered into this relationship and how have your wants, needs, and desire for what you want in a relationship changed? 

10)  What is the biggest reason to stay in this relationship and what is the biggest reason to leave?   

Honestly considering what you would be getting out of each of these scenarios will help you to determine what is right for you.

If you are considering whether to stay in or leave a relationship after there's been an affair, these 10 questions are a good way to begin to focus your thoughts. If you are interested in delving deeper into this question, you’ll find many more questions, insights and personal stories in our book “Should you stay or Should you go?.”  To find out more about this book visit our web site at http://www.StayorGo.com