Have you ever taken the
time to stop and consider what you need out of
your relationship? If you have, do you express
these needs openly and honestly with your
partner without blaming them for not having
filled these needs?
Or are you one of the many
people out there who feel they donít have any
needs, donít deserve to have any needs, or donít
deserve to have their needs met?
Too many people operate
inside relationships without ever looking to
fulfill their own needs in those relationships.
Either they fail to see their own needs or they
fail to communicate their needs with their
partners. This can happen for a great many
Some people are
convinced that they ďdonít need anything.Ē These
people are often closed up and have trouble
looking at and accepting their emotional
responses to what happens in their
If you are the type of person who
says, ďIím okay; I donít need anything,Ē a lot
of the time, you might fall into this category.
Others might know that
they have needs, but feel that they are
undeserving somehow and that expressing these
needs belies a kind of selfishness on their
parts, or they might be afraid they will come
across as demanding or that expressing their
needs might make their partners angry. Thus,
they refuse to communicate their needs to their
Still others know that
they have needs and feel okay about this fact,
but they donít have the tools to properly
communicate what they need.
Everyone has needs. You
entered into a relationship in order to fulfill
those needs. There is no shame in this. There is
no reason to deny the needs you have. Doing so
will only harm your relationship.
When you neglect your
own needs, you put your partner in a very
precarious position. You implicitly suggest to
them that they should be able to fulfill your
needs without even knowing what they are. In
some cases, you are asking your partner to
fulfill needs that you arenít completely clear
Think about asking your
partner to go to the grocery store to pick up
groceries. There would be quite a problem in
doing this if you didnít tell your partner what
groceries you need.
Now, imagine that your
partner did go to the grocery store for you,
even though you didnít communicate what you
needed, and returned with the wrong items. You
might become angry or upset because they
purchased the wrong groceries.
Leaving your partner in
the dark like this is a heavy burden and can
make your partner feel inept because they do not
understand you better, angry because you arenít
telling them what you need, and frustrated
because they canít give you what you require,
even if they are willing and able and want to
On the flip side, you
end up feeling that your partner is being unfair
because they canít accommodate you (though you
might not have been clear on what you needed in
the first place).
Underneath this, you probably
feel as though you cheated yourself by not
communicating what you needed to begin with.
Neglect is a terrible trap.
In a situation like
this, either party can be driven to using this
as justification for looking outside the
relationship for love and understanding.
you neglect your own needs and then,
subsequently, resent your partner for not
fulfilling these needs, you might be tempted to
go outside the relationship in the hope that
someone else can give you what your partner
On the other hand, you
might have been neglecting your needs and
inadvertently putting the weight of the
responsibility on your partner. This doesnít
serve your partner in any way, and they could
then be tempted to find someone who is more
forthcoming with what they require.
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This article was used by permission from
How to Survive An Affair:
The Seven Emotional Trials the Cheater Will Face