Help You Accept Those Words You Never Thought You'd
By Susie and Otto Collins
"I want a divorce."
At the time that you and your spouse walked down the
pledged wedding vows to one another, it's likely
that you believed
you would stay married for as long as you both
When your partner informs you that he or she is
moving out and
filing for divorce, these are probably words that
you never thought
you'd hear, even if you two have had a rocky
It can be difficult to come to grips with this new
either about to come or has already been put into
reality-- you being single, living alone (or as a
single parent), no
longer sharing a bed and home with your partner--
usually means very
Everyone handles stress, life upheaval and change
Many people find it easier to walk around in a state
of denial about
the big changes happening.
They might try to convince themselves that the other
person is just
angry or going through a rough time and won't
actually file for
Others may hold out hope that they will be
able to "win
back" their soon-to-be ex.
When the papers are actually filed and suitcases are
packed, it is
hard to deny any longer.
While there certainly are cases in which an
estranged, separated or
divorced couple reconciles and gets back together
again, this is not
what happens the majority of the time.
statistics show that
only about 10% of couples who have divorced end up
You can't know what's going to happen in your
future. What you DO
know is what's going on right now.
You can make
decisions that will
serve you (and your children) more effectively is
you accept what's
happening right now with your marriage.
Feel your emotions.
As you are trying to cope with a transition like
divorce, it can be
easy to pretend that it's just not happening or to
mentioned above, this is not in your best interest
in the short-term
or the long-term.
You've probably got a lot of emotions that are
bubbling just under
the surface as you try to avoid coming to grips with
the break up of
It's absolutely essential that you
emotions to come up and move through you.
Emotions such as sadness, grief and anger might seem
and this could be one reason why you are holding
Remind yourself that it can be far more damaging to
NOT let those
feelings out than it is to express them.
Write in a journal, burn old letters or photos,
yell, cry, dance,
paint-- do whatever it takes to allow your feelings
to flow in ways
that do not hurt you or another person.
Get help and
support from a
counselor or coach if your feelings seem out of
This allowing and releasing of feelings can help you
clearer as you face the changes going on.
Practice looking for possibilities.
As you stop denying the divorce and start to accept
it can be easy to jump to conclusions and feel
trapped by what you
When upheaval such as this happens, sometimes people
their lives, their ex and themselves are stuck with
Here are some common examples of assumptions you may
You might assume that you will be unable to pay the
bills and that
you will have to go into bankruptcy.
You might assume that you will go broke having to
pay spousal support.
You might assume that you and your ex will
constantly argue about
how to raise the kids.
You might assume that you won't see your kids as
often as you'd like
to or, conversely, that your ex will be an absent
There are so many future conflicts and negative
experiences that you
can imagine-- and it's probable that few or none of
Don't heap even more stress and upset on yourself by
worst about your ex, yourself or your situation.
Instead, get into the habit of pausing when you
begin to think that
things will "have to" be a certain way. Ask yourself
options are possible.
Believe it or not, you can bring greater ease to
yourself and more
fully accept what's going on right now when you
re-train yourself to
see a wide array of possibilities for your present
and your future.