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Divorce and Separation

3 Ways to Take Those All-Important First Steps in Your New Life After Divorce

By Susie and Otto Collins

"I feel so unsure of myself!" Kathy tells her friend.

Her divorce is not quite yet finalized, but Kathy has moved out of the home she shared with her husband for over 15 years.

She is happy to begin decorating her own apartment, but some of the other decisions she's making right now are terrifying.

It all feels so strange and new to Kathy. She has always been independent and certain of herself... until now.

All of these new experiences and choices that Kathy has been encountering are wonderful after years of emotional pain due to distance, conflict and infidelity in her marriage.

This is also very foreign territory for her. She has so many questions and keeps second-guessing herself about what to do next.

You may be overjoyed that your divorce is either in process or finalized. Or, you could be sad and grieving for your marriage that ended.

It's possible that you feel a mixture of emotions that
vacillates or is somewhere in between these.

Regardless of how you are feeling, what's true is that you are now on your own. Your marriage has ended and you are embarking on a new life.

It can be as new or as similar (within reason) to your old life as you make it. Some people make a completely fresh start by moving to a new home or even a new city.

Others decide to keep what they can about their previous lives the same as they adjust to being single again.

A lot of this is up to you and what you prefer.

No matter what kind of first steps you are taking in your new, post-married life, you probably want to be moving toward the future you desire for yourself.

Here are 3 ways to support yourself as you take those first steps...

#1: Stop living in the past.
If there's one thing that will drag you down and hinder your movement ahead in this new life, it's living in the past.

You might share children with your ex, you could be living in the house you shared with him or her or you may be otherwise continually reminded of your ended marriage.

This happens and it's certainly unwise (and virtually impossible) to pretend that you were never married.

Be patient and gentle with yourself, but start to let go of your past.

Stop relying on your ex to fix the plumbing in the house or to do your taxes. Remove photos of you and your ex from the walls of your house, re-decorate or re-arrange rooms that you two once shared, spend less time pouring over memories of the past.

There is nothing wrong with memories and of honoring what you and your ex shared, just don't allow the past to devour your present and keep you from the future you want.

#2: Acknowledge your feelings and where you are.
It's essential for you to be honest about how you are feeling and where you are right now. If you feel more vulnerable than usual, unsure about yourself or however you are feeling, be sure to let yourself feel that.

Take stock of what needs to be done and the support you're going to need to be able to do that in an equally honest way. Reach out for help and acquire the skills necessary to keep your home, family and
life running the way you want it to.

This is not a time for pride, ego or to try to prove to anyone (including yourself) that you can "do it all."

Your transition to a new life will be easier, smoother and more successful if you open up to available resources and support from others.

#3: Stay clear and excited about where you're going.
At the same time that you are taking stock of where you are and what you're feeling, be sure that you're also creating space in your time and mind for the future.

If, for example, you're in a tiny apartment with a very tight budget right now, let yourself dream about the kind of home and financial abundance that you want.

You don't have to have all of the answers for how you're going to get from here to where you want to be.

Stay clear and excited about what you want and stay open to possibilities that can take you there.

Some people find it a fun and powerful exercise to create a vision board. You can use a sheet of poster board or a bulletin board-- it doesn't have to be fancy.

Cover the surface of this board with words, drawings or magazine cut-out images of what you want to
manifest for your future.

Be specific and focus in on what you DO want instead of what you don't want.

Above all, make sure that as you create your vision board you feel a sense of eagerness and positive emotion about what is potentially ahead for you.

Place your vision board somewhere you will see it frequently. Use it as a tool to boost your mood and to keep you focused on your desired future.
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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins, PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling (614) 568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email.

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