Intimacy Gets Squashed...and What You Can Do to
Revive it in Your Marriage
By Susie and
When you have a bit of
downtime in the midst of your busy life, do you
ever check in with yourself about your marriage?
Some people do this type of
check in and assessment consciously, while
others encounter a wave of emotion as the
inquiry happens without their deliberate
What many couples who have
been married or together for a long period of
time discover is this: there is less intimacy
than there used to be.
This is almost always a disappointing and
Beth didn't know how far
apart she and her husband, Joseph, had drifted
from one another until she found herself alone
at home on a Saturday night.
Joseph was with one of their sons at a football
game and their daughter was at a sleepover at a
This night alone started
out wonderfully for Beth. She rarely makes time
to pamper herself with a bubble bath and facial.
As she soaked in the tub, Beth began to cry.
As fabulous as an evening with the house to
herself is, Beth started to realize how alone
she feels in her marriage lately.
She misses the days when she and Joseph would
share a bubble bath together, when he'd massage
her feet and then they would make love for
Those days seem like a
lifetime ago. Beth wishes she could somehow get
A vital first step in
reviving the intimacy and closeness in your
marriage is to recognize that you want more!
Begin to make relationship intimacy a priority.
A second step is to begin
to notice the ways that intimacy gets squashed
in your day-to-day lives together.
As busy as you might feel, there actually are
plenty of quick and subtle ways for you and your
spouse to connect.
Here are three ways that
intimacy tends to get undermined in a
marriage...and what you can do differently:
#1) You make your spouse
100% responsible for intimacy, romance and
passion in your marriage.
When a challenge such as a
recognition that there's less intimacy in your
relationship than is desired, the reaction tends
to be blame.
This happens all of the
time with couples!
For one reason or another,
one person defers total responsibility for
intimacy to the other.
It might be because you
believe that men should be the ones to “make the
first move” and “be romantic.”
It may be that you perceive your wife as
“better” at this type of thing than you are.
Regardless of what you've
been taught in your life, we urge you to join in
and take part of the responsibility for
intimacy, passion and romance in your marriage.
It is so much more fun,
interesting and connecting when you both take on
the role of intimacy-initiator.
This doesn't have to be
expensive or time-consuming either.
Simply reaching for your
mate's hand or stroking his or her arm as you
two are walking through a store can increase
Be creative and always on the lookout for ways
you can initiate intimacy.
#2) You “settle in” and
the flirting and playfulness leave your
We've all heard about the
“honeymoon” phase of a relationship in which the
new couple can hardly get enough of one another.
This is followed by an expectation that as you
two “settle in” together, the passion will
We want to dispel this myth
once and for all!
While every relationship
will change, grow and evolve, you never have to
lose the passion and intimacy.
Reminding yourself of this is a great way to
re-connect and move closer together again.
As Beth soaks in her bubble
bath, she starts to think about the ways that
she'd like to be intimate with Joseph.
She realizes that she often relies on him to
make her feel special and close. So now, Beth is
thinking of creative and intimate things she
One idea that comes to Beth
is to flirt. She used to love to flirt when she
Beth plans to flirt with Joseph from time to
time as a way to bring more playfulness and
intimacy into their relationship.
By all means, remember what
it's like to flirt with one another!
Flirting is a wonderful thing for a
marriage...as long as you two are flirting with
Leave silly, romantic or
sexually suggestive notes in your spouse's lunch
bag or briefcase.
Send text messages and e-mails that let him or
her know that you're thinking of spending time
together-- and maybe what you'll do when you are
#3) You assume that
intimacy is the same as sex.
Intimacy does not
necessarily mean only sexual interaction. Of
course, sex is a wonderful way to be intimate
with your mate-- it is not the only way.
Too many couples limit
their intimate time to just sex in the bedroom.
They go about their busy and largely separate
lives and then come together for love making
We encourage you to create
intimate moments that are outside the bedroom.
This is bound to make your intimate and sexual
moments inside the bedroom all the more
When you caress your
spouse, do it with the intention of being close
and for the sake of that loving touch...not just
because you want to have sex.
Your loving touches might lead to love making
right then and they might not.
The point here is to expand
your view of intimacy.
Be willing to express your love, care and
appreciation for your mate outside the bedroom
throughout the day as well as inside the
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