3 Ways Intimacy Gets Squashed...and What You Can Do to Revive it in Your Marriage
By Susie and Otto Collins

When you have a bit of downtime in the midst of your busy life, do you ever check in with yourself about your marriage?

Some people do this type of check in and assessment consciously, while others encounter a wave of emotion as the inquiry happens without their deliberate awareness.

What many couples who have been married or together for a long period of time discover is this: there is less intimacy than there used to be.

This is almost always a disappointing and upsetting realization.

Beth didn't know how far apart she and her husband, Joseph, had drifted from one another until she found herself alone at home on a Saturday night.

Joseph was with one of their sons at a football game and their daughter was at a sleepover at a friend's house.

This night alone started out wonderfully for Beth. She rarely makes time to pamper herself with a bubble bath and facial.

As she soaked in the tub, Beth began to cry.

As fabulous as an evening with the house to herself is, Beth started to realize how alone she feels in her marriage lately.

She misses the days when she and Joseph would share a bubble bath together, when he'd massage her feet and then they would make love for hours.

Those days seem like a lifetime ago. Beth wishes she could somehow get them back.

A vital first step in reviving the intimacy and closeness in your marriage is to recognize that you want more!

Begin to make relationship intimacy a priority.

A second step is to begin to notice the ways that intimacy gets squashed in your day-to-day lives together.

As busy as you might feel, there actually are plenty of quick and subtle ways for you and your spouse to connect.

Here are three ways that intimacy tends to get undermined in a marriage...and what you can do differently:

#1) You make your spouse 100% responsible for intimacy, romance and passion in your marriage.

When a challenge such as a recognition that there's less intimacy in your relationship than is desired, the reaction tends to be blame.

This happens all of the time with couples!

For one reason or another, one person defers total responsibility for intimacy to the other.

It might be because you believe that men should be the ones to “make the first move” and “be romantic.”

It may be that you perceive your wife as “better” at this type of thing than you are.

Regardless of what you've been taught in your life, we urge you to join in and take part of the responsibility for intimacy, passion and romance in your marriage.

It is so much more fun, interesting and connecting when you both take on the role of intimacy-initiator.

This doesn't have to be expensive or time-consuming either.

Simply reaching for your mate's hand or stroking his or her arm as you two are walking through a store can increase intimacy.

Be creative and always on the lookout for ways you can initiate intimacy.

#2) You “settle in” and the flirting and playfulness leave your marriage.

We've all heard about the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship in which the new couple can hardly get enough of one another.

This is followed by an expectation that as you two “settle in” together, the passion will inevitably fade.

We want to dispel this myth once and for all!

While every relationship will change, grow and evolve, you never have to lose the passion and intimacy.

Reminding yourself of this is a great way to re-connect and move closer together again.

As Beth soaks in her bubble bath, she starts to think about the ways that she'd like to be intimate with Joseph.

She realizes that she often relies on him to make her feel special and close. So now, Beth is thinking of creative and intimate things she might do.

One idea that comes to Beth is to flirt. She used to love to flirt when she was single!

Beth plans to flirt with Joseph from time to time as a way to bring more playfulness and intimacy into their relationship.

By all means, remember what it's like to flirt with one another!

Flirting is a wonderful thing for a marriage...as long as you two are flirting with one another.

Leave silly, romantic or sexually suggestive notes in your spouse's lunch bag or briefcase.

Send text messages and e-mails that let him or her know that you're thinking of spending time together-- and maybe what you'll do when you are alone.

#3) You assume that intimacy is the same as sex.

Intimacy does not necessarily mean only sexual interaction. Of course, sex is a wonderful way to be intimate with your mate-- it is not the only way.

Too many couples limit their intimate time to just sex in the bedroom.

They go about their busy and largely separate lives and then come together for love making periodically.

We encourage you to create intimate moments that are outside the bedroom.

This is bound to make your intimate and sexual moments inside the bedroom all the more passionate.

When you caress your spouse, do it with the intention of being close and for the sake of that loving touch...not just because you want to have sex.

Your loving touches might lead to love making right then and they might not.

The point here is to expand your view of intimacy.

Be willing to express your love, care and appreciation for your mate outside the bedroom throughout the day as well as inside the bedroom.
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