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Is Intimacy and Being In Love a Job?

By Susie and Otto Collins

One of our newsletter subscribers wrote to us recently and made a statement about relationships that we both agree AND disagree with.
Here's what she said...
"Being in love with someone is a job, a job you have and you must do your best with, every day. It is not easy, but we're in this life with one reason--to learn how to do it."
We will certainly agree that part of the reason we are all on this earth is to learn to love--ourselves and others.
We cannot agree, however, that "being in love,"  loving others, or being intimate with someone is a job.

When something is a "job," there's an implication of it being hard work and a task or group of tasks that need to be performed to reach a goal.
Hopefully your relationships aren't this way, but for most people (at least in this country), their job is something they do each day because they have to (it's a means to an end) and not because they want to.
Our feeling is that if you approach being in love or loving others as a job, it makes it somehow separate from the rest of your life and something you "do" to get what you want.
We think that being in love and loving others is not a job or task but rather becomes your entire being if you allow it. It's also something you want to do and not something you have to do.
We'll explain what we mean...
Most of us have learned how to love others (and ourselves) from role models that have not been very successful in this area of life--or maybe not successful in the way we want to be.
Mostly unconsciously from these role models, we've developed habits of "loving" that turn out to not be so loving and that simply haven't brought us what we want in our lives.
So in our viewpoint, if there's any "job" that we have around this topic, it is to let go of old habits and ways of thinking that have kept us stuck--that have kept us from being the loving beings that we truly are.
Being in love, being intimate with someone and loving others is a choice and decision that we make in every moment and often we are making those choices from those old habits.
Here's a story to explain...
Last weekend, Susie attended a 2-day conference by herself which Otto would normally have attended. Because it was his weekend to be with his high school-aged son, Otto chose to honor that commitment instead of attending the conference.
These past few weeks, Susie has been having some physical problems that were certainly heightened by sitting in a hot, crowded ballroom listening to speaker after speaker at this weekend seminar. 

In other words, on Saturday she had a pretty negative attitude about the experience she was having.
Saturday night, as she was complaining on the phone to Otto, it dawned on her that she had a choice as whether to be loving and open the next day at the seminar or to be stuck in her physical discomfort.
She decided to attend that day's seminar with the intention of being open to meeting new people and enjoying her day.

She decided to change the "habit" of closing herself when she's in physical discomfort and allow her heart to open to others.
What happened was that she did have a much better day on Sunday as a result of her decision and intention to open to love and connection--no matter what.
It wasn't her "job" to open. It was her attitude, intention and decision to do so.
Is loving or intimacy easy?
Certainly not always...but here is what we have
It is when you make a decision and choice to open instead of close, especially when things get tough, that makes all the difference in your relationships and life.
We know what opening and closing to love mean to us and you have to decide what they mean to you.
Then you have to be courageous enough to challenge
your old habits and beliefs that have held you back.
Being in love and loving others and life is never a job. It's our natural birthright. We've just forgotten how to allow love to flow without restriction in our lives.
In order to have the depth of love that we know is possible, "opening" more of the time than closing is a must.


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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins, PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling (614) 568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email.

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