When you
feel jealous of your partner's social interactions
with an acquaintance it's difficult and can cause
you both pain and upset.
But when
jealousy rears its damaging head in your family
because of the time and energy your mate focuses on
the kids or grandkids, it can be even worse!
You
might feel neglected because you're not getting what
you want from your love relationship and you may
possibly feel embarrassed to be jealous of your own
family members.
After all,
you love them too and like spending time together.
At the
same time, when you feel jealous of the attention
your love gives to your kids or grandkids, this is a
signal to look both within yourself and at your
relationship.
If it
seems that you are getting the short end of the
stick when it comes to time and love from your mate,
there are probably blocks to you receiving what you
want.
These
blocks not only prevent you from experiencing the
desired closeness with your partner, they also keep
you from feeling as good as you can about yourself.
Joe and
Carrie have a wonderful family. Their 4 children are
all grown and they now have an ever-expanding number
of grandchildren as well.
They have
always been an athletic family with Joe leading the
bunch. Just about every day of the week there is
some little league baseball game, swim meet, or golf
match that Joe heads off to with part of the family.
Carrie is
also an active woman who loves participating in and
watching sports with her family. But she wants more
time for just she and Joe.
With an
“empty nest,” Carrie longs for afternoons of
intimacy, that never could have happened before, or
just a walk together in a nearby park talking.
She's tried to initiate time alone with Joe, but he
always seems to be busy with the kids and grandkids.
Deep
inside, Carrie feels jealous and resentful of her
own family whom she loves so much.
Feel
what you feel.
As much as
Carrie, or you, may not want to admit that you feel
jealous or in competition with people you love
dearly, acknowledging these emotions is an important
first step.
In the
privacy of your own mind, tune in to whatever it is
you are feeling and just let that be. In these
moments, you don't have to analyze what it is you
feel or judge the emotions good or bad, just allow
them and be with them.
Interestingly, when you can accept everything about
where you are right now-- as uncomfortable as that
may be-- it's usually easier to make changes and
move on toward where you want to be.
Soothe
yourself first.
When
you're in the throes of jealousy, you probably want
more than anything to have your partner soothe your
hurt feelings.
You want
someone to make it right for you and tell you that
you are worthy of the love and attention you
desire.
Unfortunately, when we depend on others for our
sense of esteem and well-being, it is usually
short-lived and dependent on what we guess the other
person thinks.
Instead,
we recommend that you start out by giving love and
care to yourself. What makes you feel “ahhh”
inside? It might be a bubble bath or reading a
favorite book outside in the hammock.
Before you
communicate anything about your jealous feelings to
your mate, do one thing that puts you in an easier
state of mind.
Act
from a place of confidence and ease.
After a
long walk in her favorite park, Carrie feels less
intense about the situation. She reminds herself
that part of what initially drew her to Joe was his
passion for sports which she still shares. Carrie
also feels proud of the close connection among her
family.
She knows
she is an important part of that connection. Now
when she approaches Joe to talk about how she's been
feeling, she focuses on what she wants and not on
making an accusation about how he's spending his
time or what she assumes his priorities are.
She
requests that they agree to have one date every week
where just the two of them spend time together. Joe
thinks this is a great plan and they excitedly set
up their first date for the next night to have a
picnic dinner and pass the football together. It
fits both of their needs!
When you
take care of your hurt feelings first and come to
your love with a stronger sense of your worth, you
more clearly communicate what you want.
And it's
more likely you'll communicate this desire for more
of your partner's attention, time or whatever it is
in a way that he or she can hear.
First look
within yourself with gentleness and love and then
open up to the love your mate can give.
For a free mini-course on
overcoming jealousy,
click here.
