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Considering Leaving Your
Marriage?


"I'm not ready for divorce, but my spouse keeps lying and cheating!"


By Susie and Otto Collins

Selena's friends wonder why she stays with Jimmy and they politely ask her this question all of the time. Jimmy has had at least 3 affairs, that Selena knows about...and she keeps taking him back.

As much as it hurts Selena to be cheated on and lied to, she does not feel ready to handle a divorce. She is worried about managing on her own.

She fears that she'll never find another partner again.

Even though Selena is devastated about Jimmy's affairs, there are times when he's kind and loving toward her and they have some fun together.

Unfortunately, these times have been few and far between lately.

Let's face it.

Probably nobody is really ready to get a divorce. When you are used to the companionship, love and intimacy that is generally present in a marriage, it can be a huge change to leave that and adjust to life
on your own.

When your partner has had an affair (or multiple affairs) and/or has lied to you, you might begin to wonder why you are staying.

Making the decision to end your marriage is not often an easy one. 

After all, it's not just about putting a stop to the betrayals that come with infidelity. This is about you choosing to walk away from the relationship that you've known for a period of time and create a
new life for yourself.

This is one reason why some people are hesitant to take steps toward divorce and so they don't.

The changes that come with divorce may seem too big and too overwhelming to even consider, let alone live through.

Another reason for resistance to the idea of getting a divorce is the hope that your partner will stop cheating and lying and that you two will be able to rebuild trust and your relationship.

You've probably heard about couples who were able to overcome the damage that infidelity causes and who ended up in a more loving and close relationship than they had before.

These are both valid responses to the question of whether or not to get a divorce.

It is true that when you end your marriage, you will undoubtedly face a whole range of decisions and new responsibilities in your life.

It is also true that there is a chance that things could change for you and your spouse. He or she might make a big turn-around and you two could repair your marriage.

This is why probably nobody but you can know what is best for your particular situation.

To help with some of the confusion you might be having about your decision to stay in or leave your marriage, here is some advice to consider...

Look at the facts.
It's beneficial to sort out the facts from the assumptions and guesses. You might take out a piece of paper and write down the facts of your situation-- make sure that these are things that you can verify with certainty.

For example, Selena writes down this:

"Jimmy has had affairs with 3 women during the past 5 years. At least once a week, he comes home very late from work with no explanation of where he has been. Jimmy and I had dinner out together last week and I enjoyed myself. He keeps saying 'no' to going on a vacation away with me next month."

These are facts that Selena can verify because she has had Jimmy's (or her own) words and actual actions to back up these statements.

Making a list like this allows you to set aside your fears, suspicions and worries-- for at least a little while-- and begin to base your decision on things that you can verify.

We do not recommend that you merely throw out your suspicions and fears. These are very real thoughts and feelings that you are having. Some of them may be accurate and some of them may not be
accurate.

Again, the goal here is to base your final decision on information you can really rely upon. This will increase the likelihood that you won't later regret your choice.

Line yourself up with the future that you DO want.
Many people who are trying to decide whether or not to get a divorce, find themselves focused in on what happened in the past, what is happening now and what they don't want.

You might be re-hashing the affairs that your spouse had and the promises to change that your mate might have made to you. You may be concerned about being alone and what that will mean.

Instead, get into the habit of shifting your thinking to the kind of future (and relationship) that you DO want for yourself.

For just a moment, think only about your "dream" relationship. You don't even have to specify in your mind whether this is with your current spouse or with someone else.

Take out another piece of paper and write down all of the characteristics of the relationship you desire.

Be specific and really get into how it would feel to actually have this kind of relationship.

Now, ask yourself this question: "Do I deserve to have this kind of relationship?"

Hopefully, your answer to this question is a resounding "YES!"

It might be that this kind of relationship could happen with your current partner, or it might not. As you make each decision along the way, keep this vision at the forefront of your mind.

You may find yourself more ready to make whatever step it is when you are being driven by this vision.

Don't try to figure it all out.
So, now it may be clearer to you whether you want to stay in this marriage or leave it. Even with this new clarity, you might still feel unready to actually do it.

After all, there could be so many unanswered questions in your mind.

If you stay, how will you two get from where you are to where you want to be? If you leave, how will you handle the many issues that need to be handled?

Bring yourself back to this present moment and breathe slowly and deeply.

Train yourself to take these questions one at a time. Make a list of the most pressing issues that need to be taken care of and go through those one at a time.

Don't try to figure out how this will all work out-- just know that it will.

*********************

If you would like more help making the decision about whether or not to leave your marriage,  you'll find many more questions, insights and personal stories in our book Should You Stay or Should You Go? 

To find out more about this book visit our web site at http://www.StayorGo.com








 


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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins, PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling (614) 568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email.

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