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Considering Leaving Your
Marriage?


"Will My Cheating Spouse Ever Change?"


By Susie and Otto Collins

When the unthinkable happens and you discover that your spouse has had-- or is having-- an affair, you might begin to wonder if you could ever trust this person again.

After the shock of finding out about the cheating subsides a bit, you are inevitably going to face this question...

"Will I stay in my marriage and try to rebuild trust or will I leave it?"

Even if you are unwilling to consider divorce or separation at this time, you might be asking yourself if your cheating spouse will ever change.

These are important questions to fully consider.

It can get confusing really fast in the aftermath of an affair. You might feel a whole range of emotions. These could include sadness, hurt, grief, anger, rage, fear and others.

While you could very well be furious that your partner would cheat, you may also feel fearful about being alone and not having him or her as your mate in the future.

You might also still feel a lot of love for your partner. This mixture of emotions could make it even more difficult to make this already challenging decision.

The answer to the question "Will I stay in this marriage or leave it?" is one that only you can answer. Your well-intentioned friends and family may think that they know what's best for you, but this is
not necessarily true.

Give yourself the time, space and trust to make this decision for yourself based on what you feel in your heart and what you know to be true.

What do YOU want?

It was certainly not your idea that your partner had an affair.  Many things may appear to be beyond your control right now.

Don't let yourself start to believe that you are powerless!

Deliberately look for the things that you DO have control over about both your marriage and your life in general. Remembering this sense of control can be empowering.

It can help you face your decision with greater clarity and confidence.

A big thing that you do have control over is how you respond to this news that your partner had (or is having) an affair. This is huge!

You might feel compelled to confront the other man or woman with whom your mate is cheating (or cheated with). We don't advise this.

Instead, we urge you to continue to focus in on yourself and what you want and need right now.

[If you choose to stay in your marriage, it is going to be most effective for you to focus in on your partner and your relationship as well as yourself.]

You could make a list of all of the needs that you have right now.

Include on this list physical, emotional, financial, spiritual and any other needs. This allows you to reach out to others in specific ways that can help you feel truly supported.

You might also have wants and needs that directly pertain to your partner.

What are the biggest questions you have for him or her regarding the cheating? What sorts of boundaries will you set with your partner?

How can you keep yourself healthy and maintain your well-being (physical, emotional and sexual) during this transitional time as you are making your decision?

Get very clear about how you feel and what you want. This will help you to respond to your partner accordingly.

What are the signs?

As you decide whether or not you will give your cheating spouse a second chance, you may be worrying over the second question we mentioned...

"Will my mate change and stop cheating?" or "Will my mate ever cheat again?"

If you are considering staying in your marriage and rebuilding trust with your spouse, it's vital that you pay close attention to your relationship and to your partner.

What are the tangible indications that he or she is showing you about the present and the future?

What is your spouse literally saying to you? What promises are being made?

Are you seeing any evidence that might prove that he or she is changing (for the better) and following through on promises?

Your observations can provide informative answers to questions like these.

It's vital that you listen closely to yourself and to what you want for your future AND you also watch your spouse for any signs that he or she is willing to do whatever it takes to make amends and start to
rebuild trust with you.
*********************

If you would like more help making the decision about whether or not to leave your marriage,  you'll find many more questions, insights and personal stories in our book Should You Stay or Should You Go? 

To find out more about this book visit our web site at http://www.StayorGo.com








 


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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins, PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling (614) 568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email.

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