Free Marriage Advice
Your e-mail address
is never rented, traded or sold... period.
Considering Leaving Your
"Will My Cheating Spouse
By Susie and Otto Collins
When the unthinkable happens and you discover
that your spouse has
had-- or is having-- an affair, you might begin
to wonder if you
could ever trust this person again.
shock of finding out
about the cheating subsides a bit, you are
inevitably going to face
"Will I stay in my marriage and try to rebuild
trust or will I leave
Even if you are unwilling to consider divorce or
separation at this
time, you might be asking yourself if your
cheating spouse will ever
These are important questions to fully consider.
It can get confusing really fast in the
aftermath of an affair. You
might feel a whole range of emotions. These
could include sadness,
hurt, grief, anger, rage, fear and others.
While you could very well be furious that your
partner would cheat,
you may also feel fearful about being alone and
not having him or her
as your mate in the future.
You might also still
feel a lot of love
for your partner. This mixture of emotions could
make it even more
difficult to make this already challenging
The answer to the question "Will I stay in this
marriage or leave
it?" is one that only you can answer. Your
and family may think that they know what's best
for you, but this is
not necessarily true.
Give yourself the time, space and trust to make
this decision for
yourself based on what you feel in your heart
and what you know to be
What do YOU want?
It was certainly not your idea that your partner
had an affair.
Many things may appear to be beyond your control
let yourself start to believe that you are
Deliberately look for the things that you DO
have control over about
both your marriage and your life in general.
Remembering this sense
of control can be empowering.
It can help you
face your decision with
greater clarity and confidence.
A big thing that you do have control over is how
you respond to this
news that your partner had (or is having) an
affair. This is huge!
You might feel compelled to confront the other
man or woman with
whom your mate is cheating (or cheated with). We
don't advise this.
Instead, we urge you to continue to focus in on yourself and what you
want and need right now.
[If you choose to stay in your marriage, it is
going to be most
effective for you to focus in on your partner
and your relationship
as well as yourself.]
You could make a list of all of the needs that
you have right now.
Include on this list physical, emotional,
financial, spiritual and
any other needs. This allows you to reach out to
others in specific
ways that can help you feel truly supported.
You might also have wants and needs that
directly pertain to your
What are the biggest questions you have for him
or her regarding the
cheating? What sorts of boundaries will you set
with your partner?
How can you keep yourself healthy and maintain
(physical, emotional and sexual) during this
transitional time as you
are making your decision?
Get very clear about how you feel and what you
want. This will help
you to respond to your partner accordingly.
What are the signs?
As you decide whether or not you will give your
cheating spouse a
second chance, you may be worrying over the
second question we
"Will my mate change and stop cheating?" or
"Will my mate ever cheat
If you are considering staying in your marriage
and rebuilding trust
with your spouse, it's vital that you pay close
attention to your
relationship and to your partner.
What are the tangible indications that he or she
is showing you
about the present and the future?
What is your
saying to you? What promises are being made?
you seeing any
evidence that might prove that he or she is
changing (for the better)
and following through on promises?
Your observations can provide informative
answers to questions like
It's vital that you listen closely to yourself
and to what you want
for your future AND you also watch your spouse
for any signs that he
or she is willing to do whatever it takes to
make amends and start to
rebuild trust with you.
If you would like more help
making the decision about whether or not to
leave your marriage,
you'll find many more questions, insights and
personal stories in our book
Should You Go?
To find out more about this
book visit our web site at