"Affection: Why Is It
a Challenge For Many In their Marriage?"
By Susie
and Otto Collins
What do you do when one person
in a marriage wants more affection than the other
person is able to give?
Not only is this an interesting
question-- but it's also a challenge that many
couples have, not just about affection, but about how
to deal with the differences between the wants and
needs of each person in many parts of the marriage.
Recently, we received a
question from one of our newsletter subscribers
about affection that intrigued us and we thought
we'd share our answer with all of you.
The question she asked was--"I
would like to know how I can be a bit more
affectionate. My husband is very affectionate, but
I am not and it's a problem.
So how can I start to be
more open with my feelings?"
What we would recommend to her
and anyone who wants to be more affectionate (and
isn't) is to take some time and examine the reasons
why you aren't more affectionate.
We'll talk about some of these
possible reasons in a moment, but before we do, it's
important to point out that if you are feeling that
you are not as affectionate as you (or your partner)
would like you
to be, then this suggests
that you have some barriers to intimacy that are
present in this relationship.
If this is the case, even
though there may be much love and appreciation,
caring and good feelings between the two of you,
there is something within you that is causing you to
keep yourself from giving more of yourself
physically or emotionally to that
person.
Take some time, feel what you
are feeling when you think about your situation and
then see what comes up for you.
In our way of thinking, if
you're not as affectionate as you or your partner
would like you to be, there could be many things
going on.
Here are just a few of the
possibilities...
1. You didn't see affection
when you were growing up and it feels foreign
to you.
2. You don't feel that you
deserve to be loved in this way.
3. You have fear of intimacy
that keeps you somewhat at a distance from your
partner.
4. You have "bought into" some
programming that has told you that it's not okay to
be affectionate and you've never questioned this for
yourself to examine what feels right to you. If you
haven't questioned this idea and have embraced it as
you own, it may
have just become "the way
you are" without you realizing you could choose
to be different.
5. You're not really wanting to
be closer to your partner and you don't love him/her
as much as you think.
6. It's possible that there has
been abuse in your past that holds you back from
responding and giving affection.
While we're not sure which of
these (if any) applies in this person's case or
yours, those are some possibilities and potential
"causes" for lack of affection for you to consider.
So, once you have discovered
what's underneath your feelings, what do you do with
this information?
While we're not suggesting that
you dwell on the past, it is helpful to discover
whether you need to work with a therapist or coach
to help you heal some of your issues. Or it might be
that just by realizing
where some of your behavior
comes from, you can switch your thinking to more
of what you want on your own.
In any case, the first thing
you can do is to decide if you really do want to be
more affectionate with your spouse or not and how
you'd like to be in your marriage. If you honestly
do want to be more
affectionate, you have a
choice to make.
You can choose to hold onto the
idea that you "aren't an affectionate person" or you
can choose to change and be more affectionate with
your spouse and with the people in your life.
The two of us are very
affectionate with each other and with other people,
especially our family and friends. What we have
discovered is that when
we are not affectionate
with each other or with the people in our lives,
it's because of a feeling of disconnection.
So what do we do to create
connection with each other and become affectionate
once again? Here are a few things that work for
us...
1. We have it as our intention
to regain our connection and have the courage to
open to each other.
2. We create a safe atmosphere
to listen and talk with one another. We talk about
the feelings that are creating the disconnection and
come to some kind of resolution.
3. We become playful again with
one another. This doesn't have to involve sex but
certainly can. It can involve touching each other,
sitting close, holding hands or any number of ways
to show our love again.
4. We come to once again
appreciate each other and what we each bring to
enrich the other's life.
If you are wanting to be more
affectionate, discover what's holding you back and
then take steps to move toward what you want.
Remember, affection is really
an outpouring of the love and appreciation that a
person has for another person and this comes from
the inside.
Affection can be a simple thing
to bring you closer to your spouse. It's one of the
ways we keep our relationship passionate, alive and
vibrant.
We think affection, if
heartfelt, can be a powerful way to make your
marriage better too.
****************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Red Hot Love Relationships" invite
you to visit
http://www.RedHotLoveRelationships.com to
discover how you can turn up the heat in your love
relationship.
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