|
"Keeping It Fun:
3 Secrets to Connected
Parenting"
by
Amy Phillips-Gary
If you live
with young people—of any
age—chances are you’ve
experienced the lead-footed,
grumblings when they are faced
with a task or activity that is
just not their idea.
It might be
cleaning up his or her room,
helping with a family project,
or even visiting a relative who
is not a favorite.
Whatever
the situation, when this
lead-footed, grumbling begins,
it feels like the experience is
“ruined” for everyone. Needless
to say, nobody usually ends up
feeling close and connected.
As parents,
there are many times when we ask
kids to take on responsibilities
or perform jobs that are more
important to us than to them.
And, at times, this is putting
it mildly!
No matter
how hard one tries, the young
person may not find your
arguments convincing for why
they should do what you
want.
Various
tools are often used: rewards,
punishments, bribes, threats,
and guilt among others. At the
end of the day the task or
activity may have been
accomplished, but the
parent-child relationship has
not been enriched. It could even
be weakened as we resort to
methods of manipulation that
don’t really feel good to
anybody.
Take heart.
There are ways to keep the
connection between yourself and
your kids strong and close—even
in the face of disagreements and
challenges.
A beautiful
Saturday in Fall. The kids were
asked to help mom and dad rake
leaves in the backyard. The sun
is out, temperatures are mild
and the ground is just covered
with bright yellows and reds.
Sounds like
a recipe for some family
connecting while working
together on a project? Maybe to
mom and dad, but not to the
kids! After much dragging of
feet and complaining, everyone
felt just a little bit
irritated. Parents wanted help
with the leaves—and for it to be
a fun sharing time. Kids just
wanted to be doing something,
anything else! Yes, the leaves
were being raked, but nobody was
enjoying themselves.
How was
this real-life situation turned
around???
One by one,
mom called to each kid, took him
by the hand and together they
took running leaps and dives
into the giant leaf pile.
Everybody who wanted to took a
turn and this instantly brought
smiles to faces that before
tended toward irritated
grimaces. Doing the unexpected,
fun, light-hearted action of
taking each child along for a
run and jump into the leaves
helped turn a time of
disconnection into one filled
with more connection.
Give these
3 Secrets to Connected Parenting
a try:
1) Stay
awake
Too often
in the busy-ness of life, we
tend to go into a sort of
autopilot—especially when it
comes to parenting. Despite our
intentions to “do it
differently,” we get caught up
in job responsibilities, chores,
and bills and before we know it
we hear words and see actions
from ourselves that we never
wanted to say or do.
If you find
yourself in this “autopilot”
space—there are usually moments
of realization-- breathe and
come back to the present
moment. Be gentle and just take
a moment to tune in to what you
are feeling and what is going on
right now. In a place of being
really present, you will be
better able to work together
with your child to allow the
connections that are there to
grow and flourish.
2) Come
from the heart
This cannot
be said enough. Coming to
interactions with your child
from a heart-led perspective can
make all the difference. No,
this does not mean that
everything is ok and you don’t
set boundaries or allow yourself
to feel what you are feeling.
What this
does mean is that when a tense
situation comes up between you
and the young person in your
life, you are motivated by love:
your love for yourself and for
your child. It is more possible
for everyone’s needs to be met
when you are sharing and
listening with your heart open.
3) Break
the habitual pattern
Sometimes,
when we “lock horns” with our
kids, we fall back into habitual
patterns. Maybe we yell even
though we promised ourselves we
weren’t going to. Or perhaps we
dig in our heels and refuse to
hear anything that our child is
saying essentially acting as
stubbornly as we perceive our
child to be!
If you
practice staying awake, you’ll
be able to see yourself falling
into these unwanted habits more
easily. When you see yourself
doing whatever it is you didn’t
want to do, change your course.
Break that habitual pattern by
literally doing something
differently.
In our
example above, the mom noticed
herself feeling angry and
resentful that her children were
unwilling to joyfully help with
the family leaf raking project.
Somewhat spontaneously jumping
in the leaf pile with her kids
shook up the tension of the day.
The kids were still not happy
about spending their afternoon
raking leaves. But the simple
act of breaking the habitual
pattern allowed them all to
remember their connection and
love for one another.
When we
think of children the word “fun”
often comes to mind. This is a
vital lesson we adults can learn
from the younger ones in our
lives. Keep it fun and light!
When tensions arise, come back
to the moment, re-connect with
your heart, and choose a
different course—one of
connection and closeness and
joy.
======================================
Amy
Phillips-Gary is a person
aspiring to live a
loving-compassionate and mindful
life. Partnering with her
husband, home-schooling her two
sons, and helping to lead an
alternative scouting group
provide her with opportunities
to enjoy such a life! She is
Susie Collins' daughter.
======================================
|
