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Dating
After Divorce Advice: "My kids
hate my boyfriend.... Now what
do I do?"
By Susie and Otto Collins
Judith has been single for over
10 years now. After her divorce,
her sole focus was managing
being a single mom and supporter
of
herself and her kids-- both
financially and emotionally.
It took Judith by surprise when
she started dating again. A few
months ago, she met Keith and
they've gone on regular dates
ever
since.
At first, Judith
considered the whole thing fun
and casual.
She didn't intend to get into
love relationship, but that's
exactly
what's happened.
Recently, Judith introduced
Keith to her kids (both are
teenagers)
for the first time. To her
horror, they were rude and cold
to Keith.
Despite their usually kind and
respectful personalities,
Judith's
teens made it very clear that
they did not want another man in
their
mom's life.
After this uncomfortable first
meeting, Judith's kids informed
her
that they "hate" Keith and that
she should stop seeing him.
Judith
feels angry, sad and frustrated.
She doesn't know where this
relationship with Keith will end
up, but she'd like to continue
it
and find out.
Whether you are a divorced woman
or a divorced man, when you are
ready to date again and possibly
create a relationship with
someone
new, it can be tricky.
If you have children-- of any
age-- you might worry about them
liking or approving of this new
person in your life. When they
do
meet your new date (or partner)
and they've made it known that
they
do NOT like him or her, you may
feel torn.
Just like Judith, you probably
care about this person...but you
also
care deeply about and don't want
to upset your kids who are so
important to you.
If you're in a situation like
this, here's some advice to
help...
Don't take it personally.
As you probably already know,
getting angry with yourself or
your
kids because they do not like
your new partner is not going to
help
the situation at all.
Resist the urge to take this
personally.
There might be a complicated and
varied set of reasons why your
kids
have decided that they dislike
your new partner.
It might have more to do with
their own grieving process for
the
changes that have happened in
your family (no matter how long
ago the
divorce was).
It might have some
link to challenges and struggles
that are going on within
themselves as they get older. It
could also
relate to a disconnecting
dynamic that has developed
between you and
your kids.
Don't make up stories or jump to
conclusions to explain to
yourself
why they don't like your new
partner.
If you really want to know why,
sit down alone with them and
ask.
Ask from a place of curiosity
and with an intention to
understand and
not from a place of hostility or
judgment.
Listen closely and ask questions
if you aren't clear about what
they
are telling you.
Lastly, try not
to make their opinion or
assessment
of your new partner right or
wrong. Allow them to have their
opinions and feelings.
Don't make it an "either/or"
decision.
When faced with the dilemma of
your kids disliking your new
partner,
you might feel pulled and caught
in an impossible situation.
You
may
feel like you have to choose
either your kids or this new
person--
all of whom are special and
important to you.
The good news is that you don't
have to make this an "either/or"
decision.
You can create agreements that
will give you all the
opportunity to
be genuine and respectful and
follow the paths of your
choosing.
For example, if your kids don't
like your partner, don't expect
them
to spend a lot of time with him
or her. This might be
challenging to
schedule if they are young, but
it can work.
Make sure that you
are
spending plenty of quality time
with your kids (one-on-one) and
also
with your new partner.
With communication, honesty and
a willingness to be flexible,
this
can be a satisfying solution for
all of you.
You can also set ground rules
and talk about expectations with
your
kids (and with your new partner)
in advance of those times that
you
all are going to be together.
Let your kids know that they
don't have to like your new
partner,
but they do need to be
respectful and polite. Be
specific about what
you expect and stay open to the
boundaries that they might want
to
set.
As you talk with your new
partner about his or her
interactions with
your kids, you might advise that
he or she be kind and available,
but
not pushy or forceful.
If your
new partner allows your kids to
come
to him or her in terms of their
attention and interest, it will
be
much smoother.
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Would you like to learn words,
phrases and sentence-starters
that can help you communicate
with loved ones about even
difficult topics like these?
Click here to find out about
Susie and Otto's Magic
Relationship Words e-book.
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