"Relationship Advice for
Staying Connected When
You Live with Young
Children"
by
Susie and Otto Collins
with contribution by Amy
Phillips-Gary
Every now and then, we
are asked for advice
on
how a couple can stay
connected and keep
passion in their
relationship if they are
raising small (or even
not so small) children.
Our
belief is that the same
ideas will work no
matter what your
situation but we wanted
to give you some ideas
that are specifically
for this situation.
Since our children are
no longer small-- Otto's
son is 18 and Susie's
daughter has two boys of
her own--we called in an
expert(Susie's
Daughter)--who has some
great suggestions that
she and her husband do
to keep their
relationship alive and
growing.
Here are her suggestions
and whether you
have small children or
not, we invite you to
try
some of them to spice up
your relationship...
1.
Create Many Mini-Moments
You
don't have to spend
hours making love every
day to keep the
connection deep and
passionate-- but go for
it if you can!
Instead, you can connect
in mini-moments that you
create throughout the
day.
A
mini-moment might be an
appreciative e-mail or
text message sent while
you are apart. When you
are home together you
can lovingly caress your
partner even with
children running and
playing at your feet.
When you are in the
midst of that
mini-moment, give
connecting with your
love your fullest
attention. It might
just be a few seconds,
but those mini-moments
all add up.
2.
Engage in Some Non-Kid
Stuff
As
important as your kids
are and as much as you
want them to know how
much you love them, you
don't have to focus on
them ALL of the time.
If
you're like me, you want
to always be there for
your children. However,
neither you and your
relationship nor your
children will benefit
from this.
No
matter how young, your
kids are separate beings
and really need to have
some amount of space to
experience life on their
terms.
So
do you and your partner.
You
and your partner could
make time every day for
a shared activity or
discussion that has
nothing to do with your
children. This may feel
awkward at first but
keep trying.
If
your children are very
young, take care of
their needs first, then
turn to your love. Give
everyone a clean diaper,
lay out a blanket with
engaging toys, then talk
with your mate about a
non-kid topic that
interests you both.
This might be sports,
religion, politics, or
even philosophy. If you
don't feel like talking,
just hold each other,
stroking his or her hair
and enjoy the
deliciousness of touch.
3.
Open to Touch
Especially when your
children are young, it's
quite common for
parents-- moms
especially-- to get to
the end of the day
exhausted and feeling
"all touched out."
This can be tricky
because while parents of
young children may want
to connect
physically, the same
desire and energy may
not seem to be there.
At the same time, touch
can be such an important
way to keep you and your
partner feeling
connected.
It
is vital to listen to
what each person needs
when it comes to touch.
A mom who spent hours
nursing an infant, for
example, may not feel
like sharing sexual
touch with her
mate right now. This
doesn't mean that she
and her love can't share
touch. She might
appreciate receiving a
back or foot rub and
then giving a massage to
her partner. Even
non-sexual touch can be
connecting. And who
knows--sensual and
sexual touch might just
happen too.
4.
Show Your Love
Remember that you can
share moments of love
and care even when your
children are in the
room. Some of us were
raised with the belief
that you just don't show
emotions--of any kind.
Programmed beliefs like
this might cause us to
wait until we are alone
with our mate to show
him or her loving
attention. Of course
you don't want anyone
involved to feel
embarrassed or
inappropriate, but at
the same time show your
love!
It
can actually teach your
children what a healthy
loving relationship
looks like if you allow
your children to see you
and your mate hug, hold
hands, or kiss. Your
kids know you love them
because you express it
to them probably every
day. Openly, do the
same for your partner
and for yourself!
5.
You CAN Have It All
It
can be easy to fall into
the trap of believing
that there's just not
time (or energy) to
focus on both your kids
and your relationship.
In the midst of keeping
up with
life, it may feel like
something's got to fall
to the side (at least
for a few years) and
your relationship is
probably what goes.
Many people assume
they'll make time to
focus on their
relationship once the
kids have grown up a
bit. Unfortunately, when
a choice like this is
made, that day in the
future may never come
and your relationship
could end up literally
lifeless.
It
may not seem possible
but there IS enough
time, energy and "you"
to be both kid-centered
and
relationship-centered.
Start by affirming to
yourself that there is a
way to give attention to
your kids and stay
connected with your
love.
Tune in to how wonderful
it feels when you share
a game, a cuddle or a
warm talk with your
children. Now tune in
to how fabulous it feels
when you make love, take
a walk, or
sip
coffee and chat with
your partner. You don't
have to choose between
these great
experiences. There is
room for both! Once you
create space in your
mind and beliefs for
both, it will be easier
to allow them to happen
in your life.
Celebrate when
connection happens.
Have fun and remember to
laugh!
