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Build More Trust in
Your Marriage
3 Things You Must Do to Make Up with Your Spouse
After Lying
By Susie and Otto Collins
Kelly knows that lying was not a good idea. But, she
just couldn't
see any way around it.
Kelly's husband Bill is so
precise with their
budget and she was worried that he'd be really angry
with her for the
spending spree she had at her favorite store recently.
When Bill asked Kelly if she's been keeping to their
budget with her
expenses, she paused for a split second and then
told a boldfaced
lie.
Kelly told Bill that she was sticking with the
budget even
though that very day she had overspent in a big way.
Kelly's plan was to shift some money around in order
to pay for her
splurge and hope that Bill wouldn't figure it out.
Her plan did not work out. Bill not only discovered
that Kelly had
disregarded the budget, but also that she lied to
him about it too.
He is furious and has not spoken to her-- except for
vague one-syllable responses-- for 4 days now.
Kelly knows that she messed up and that she weakened
trust in their
relationship by lying. Now, she wants to make up
with Bill and repair
their marriage.
You might have lied to your spouse about finances as
Kelly did.
Or,
maybe you were spending time with certain people or
doing things that
you know that your partner does not approve of and
so you hid the
truth from him or her.
It could also be that you told a lie to your mate to
cover the fact
that you were having an affair.
Lies come in all degrees of "size" and seriousness.
Even though
some lies are more damaging than others, ALL lies
impair the
connection between you and your partner and ALL lies
are a blow to
the trust between you two.
If you've told a lie and you want to make up with
your mate and
begin to move closer together again, here are 3
things that will help
you...
#1: Say "I'm sorry" genuinely and from the heart.
In many cases, once the hurt or betrayal is recognized, usually the
words "I'm sorry" are instantly spoken by the one
who broke trust in
some way.
"I'm sorry" can be wonderful words to say, if you
really mean them.
Unfortunately, many people offer an apology without
really giving
much thought to what happened and why. They speak
the words and hope
that these will be enough to smooth the whole thing
over.
When the other person hears an "I'm sorry" and it
seems to come with
little or no authentic feeling, the apology will not
be received.
If you've lied or done something hurtful, don't say
"I'm sorry"
until you truly feel what you are saying.
This isn't about you beating yourself up for all
eternity.
This is
about you taking responsibility for your words and
actions and
letting your partner know that you wish you had made
a different
choice.
#2: Understand what motivated you to lie in the
first place.
Just as important as it is for you to be genuine in
your apology to
your spouse, it is vital for you to gain some
understanding about why
you lied.
Go within and try to remember what you were feeling
and thinking
just before you lied. This may be obvious or it
could require deeper
introspection.
We aren't suggesting that you blame your partner or
some other
person for what happened.
But, at the same time, we
encourage you to
look at the wider picture of your relationship
dynamics and your own
tendencies.
Kelly can see that Bill's strict insistence that she
follow HIS
budget plan for them played a role in her choice to
lie about her
spending spree.
She has resented having to follow
HIS budget-- even
though she can see the value in saving money.
It is also clear to Kelly that the way that she and
Bill communicate
was part of the reason why she lied.
Kelly has
always shied away
from conflict and arguments. Bill came from a family
where everyone
said whatever was on their minds, which involved
yelling and shouting.
The combination of Kelly's resentment about the
budget and the
vastly different communication habits of she and
Bill is a
significant factor in Kelly's lying.
This isn't an excuse.
It does help Kelly to better know the relationship
habits that have
developed between she and Bill that will need to be
addressed to help
her be truthful, honest and open in the future.
It is essential that you take responsibility for
your lying. It was
your choice.
At the same time, it is just as
important that you and
your partner both acknowledge that there are a whole
range of
possible factors at play in what happened.
You two can create some new agreements that will
help you two begin
to turn these habits around.
#3: Make it your priority to prove you are
trustable.
Let your spouse know that, not only are you
genuinely sorry for
lying, your priority will now be to prove to him or
her that you are
trustable.
You might ask your partner for ideas that will help
you demonstrate
that you are trustable.
Think about whether you are
willing (and
able) to follow through with these requests that
your partner makes
of you BEFORE you agree.
Especially if you've had an affair, it's vital that
you make your
life transparent to your partner. Consider giving
him or her access
to your private accounts and phone records, for
example.
Be sure to acknowledge to yourself when you've
followed through on
an agreement or told the truth-- even when it was
difficult to do.
Part of this healing process involves you proving to
yourself that
you are trustable.
This will carry over into your relationship and will
help you make
up with your mate.
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