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Build More Trust in Your Marriage


3 Things You Must Do to Make Up with Your Spouse After Lying


By Susie and Otto Collins


Kelly knows that lying was not a good idea. But, she just couldn't see any way around it.

Kelly's husband Bill is so precise with their budget and she was worried that he'd be really angry with her for the spending spree she had at her favorite store recently.

When Bill asked Kelly if she's been keeping to their budget with her expenses, she paused for a split second and then told a boldfaced lie.

Kelly told Bill that she was sticking with the budget even though that very day she had overspent in a big way.

Kelly's plan was to shift some money around in order to pay for her splurge and hope that Bill wouldn't figure it out.

Her plan did not work out. Bill not only discovered that Kelly had disregarded the budget, but also that she lied to him about it too.

He is furious and has not spoken to her-- except for vague one-syllable responses-- for 4 days now.

Kelly knows that she messed up and that she weakened trust in their relationship by lying. Now, she wants to make up with Bill and repair their marriage.

You might have lied to your spouse about finances as Kelly did.

Or, maybe you were spending time with certain people or doing things that you know that your partner does not approve of and so you hid the
truth from him or her.

It could also be that you told a lie to your mate to cover the fact that you were having an affair.

Lies come in all degrees of "size" and seriousness.

Even though some lies are more damaging than others, ALL lies impair the connection between you and your partner and ALL lies are a blow to the trust between you two.

If you've told a lie and you want to make up with your mate and begin to move closer together again, here are 3 things that will help you...

#1: Say "I'm sorry" genuinely and from the heart.
In many cases, once the hurt or betrayal is recognized, usually the words "I'm sorry" are instantly spoken by the one who broke trust in some way.

"I'm sorry" can be wonderful words to say, if you really mean them. 

Unfortunately, many people offer an apology without really giving much thought to what happened and why. They speak the words and hope that these will be enough to smooth the whole thing over.

When the other person hears an "I'm sorry" and it seems to come with little or no authentic feeling, the apology will not be received.

If you've lied or done something hurtful, don't say "I'm sorry" until you truly feel what you are saying.

This isn't about you beating yourself up for all eternity.

This is about you taking responsibility for your words and actions and letting your partner know that you wish you had made a different choice.

#2: Understand what motivated you to lie in the first place.
Just as important as it is for you to be genuine in your apology to your spouse, it is vital for you to gain some understanding about why you lied.

Go within and try to remember what you were feeling and thinking just before you lied. This may be obvious or it could require deeper introspection.

We aren't suggesting that you blame your partner or some other person for what happened.

But, at the same time, we encourage you to look at the wider picture of your relationship dynamics and your own tendencies.

Kelly can see that Bill's strict insistence that she follow HIS budget plan for them played a role in her choice to lie about her spending spree.

She has resented having to follow HIS budget-- even
though she can see the value in saving money.

It is also clear to Kelly that the way that she and Bill communicate was part of the reason why she lied.

Kelly has always shied away from conflict and arguments. Bill came from a family where everyone
said whatever was on their minds, which involved yelling and shouting.

The combination of Kelly's resentment about the budget and the vastly different communication habits of she and Bill is a significant factor in Kelly's lying.

This isn't an excuse.

It does help Kelly to better know the relationship habits that have developed between she and Bill that will need to be addressed to help her be truthful, honest and open in the future.

It is essential that you take responsibility for your lying. It was your choice.

At the same time, it is just as important that you and your partner both acknowledge that there are a whole range of possible factors at play in what happened.

You two can create some new agreements that will help you two begin to turn these habits around.

#3: Make it your priority to prove you are trustable.
Let your spouse know that, not only are you genuinely sorry for lying, your priority will now be to prove to him or her that you are
trustable.

You might ask your partner for ideas that will help you demonstrate that you are trustable.

Think about whether you are willing (and able) to follow through with these requests that your partner makes of you BEFORE you agree.

Especially if you've had an affair, it's vital that you make your life transparent to your partner. Consider giving him or her access to your private accounts and phone records, for example.

Be sure to acknowledge to yourself when you've followed through on an agreement or told the truth-- even when it was difficult to do.

Part of this healing process involves you proving to yourself that you are trustable.

This will carry over into your relationship and will help you make up with your mate.


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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins, PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling (614) 568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email.

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