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Save Your Marriage Advice
Does a "Cold and Distant"
Spouse Mean that Infidelity is Going On?
By Susie and Otto Collins
Patrice wonders where the man she married went? Her
husband, Chris,
used to be loving, passionate and very interested in
what she was
doing and now he seems so cold and distant.
It's as if Chris has fallen out of love with her and
this really
upsets Patrice because they've only been married for
2 years!
Friends and family assure Patrice that this just
happens. They say
that the change in Chris is only a sign that the
honeymoon phase of
the marriage is over.
Patrice can't help but worry that this really means
that Chris is
having an affair.
You might be in a similar position. It could be that
you've noticed
a cooling off between you and your spouse after a
certain period of
time being married.
You may be mourning those fun,
romantic and
sensual early days of your dating relationship and
just after your
wedding.
Or, you may have been married to your partner for
quite awhile now.
It could be that you've realized how far apart you
and your spouse
have become.
You two may lead essentially separate
lives or you may
frequently experience a lot of conflict and tension
that drives you
apart.
In both cases, when your spouse is cold and distant,
you might
suspect that he or she is cheating.
Examine your expectations.
We don't want you to ignore possible signs of
infidelity that you
might (or might not) be picking up on in your
marriage.
For just a
few moments, however, we want you to think about
your expectations.
First of all, do you hold the belief that it is unavoidable that the
"magic" and passion between you and your partner
will fade? If so,
it's possible that your expectations are part of the
problem.
So many times, we expect that worst from our mate
and ourselves and
then we are given exactly what we've been waiting
for-- even if we
don't really want it.
Without judgment, be aware of what your expectations
are. Be clear
about what kind of relationship you truly want.
Remind yourself that
you CAN create this and that you DO deserve it.
Assess what's really going on.
Now it's time to take as objective as possible a
look at your
spouse's changed behavior. Either on paper or in
your mind, lay out
the observable words and actions of your partner.
Specifically, where have you noticed differences or
inconsistencies
between how he or she used to be in your
relationship and how he or
she is now?
Exactly how does this "cold and distant" behavior
play out with you?
If you truly suspect that your partner may be having
an affair, you
might want to more systematically make a record of
these
inconsistencies and changes.
Gather information as
best as you can
to answer the questions you have.
It may be wise not to make an accusation and not to
interrogate your
partner until you have a better idea of what is
really going on.
For more information about how to tell if your man
is lying and
cheating, visit this website:
www.isyourmanaliar.com/
Focus on what you DO want.
When you communicate with your spouse about your
relationship-- and
perhaps even your worries-- be sure to focus on what
you DO want.
The clarifying you did above will help with this.
Instead of approaching your partner and saying
something like, "I
want to know why you are so cold and distant with
me?" try this
instead...
"Because our marriage is so important to me, I want
to make sure we
are staying connected. I am feeling distance between
us and would
like to talk about some ways that we might begin to
move closer
together again. Here is one idea that I have.... I'd
like to hear
your thoughts about this."
Avoid blame or accusations (unless, of course, you
have proof that
your spouse is cheating and then you would probably
be having a
completely different conversation).
Use words and
phrases that will
keep you both open and that will promote
re-connecting.
For more examples of sentence-starters that can help
you talk about even difficult topics, check this
out:
www.magicrelationshipwords.com
Be clear with your spouse about the kind of marriage
you'd like to
create with him or her.
Make it fun and, above all,
let your partner
know that having a loving, trust-filled and
passionate relationship
is your priority.
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