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Does a "Cold and Distant" Spouse Mean that Infidelity is Going On?

By Susie and Otto Collins

Patrice wonders where the man she married went? Her husband, Chris, used to be loving, passionate and very interested in what she was doing and now he seems so cold and distant.

It's as if Chris has fallen out of love with her and this really upsets Patrice because they've only been married for 2 years!

Friends and family assure Patrice that this just happens. They say that the change in Chris is only a sign that the honeymoon phase of the marriage is over.

Patrice can't help but worry that this really means that Chris is having an affair.

You might be in a similar position. It could be that you've noticed a cooling off between you and your spouse after a certain period of time being married.

You may be mourning those fun, romantic and
sensual early days of your dating relationship and just after your wedding.

Or, you may have been married to your partner for quite awhile now.  It could be that you've realized how far apart you and your spouse have become.

You two may lead essentially separate lives or you may frequently experience a lot of conflict and tension that drives you apart.

In both cases, when your spouse is cold and distant, you might suspect that he or she is cheating.

Examine your expectations.
We don't want you to ignore possible signs of infidelity that you might (or might not) be picking up on in your marriage.

For just a few moments, however, we want you to think about your expectations.

First of all, do you hold the belief that it is unavoidable that the "magic" and passion between you and your partner will fade? If so, it's possible that your expectations are part of the problem.

So many times, we expect that worst from our mate and ourselves and then we are given exactly what we've been waiting for-- even if we don't really want it.

Without judgment, be aware of what your expectations are. Be clear about what kind of relationship you truly want.

Remind yourself that you CAN create this and that you DO deserve it.

Assess what's really going on.
Now it's time to take as objective as possible a look at your spouse's changed behavior. Either on paper or in your mind, lay out the observable words and actions of your partner.

Specifically, where have you noticed differences or inconsistencies between how he or she used to be in your relationship and how he or she is now?

Exactly how does this "cold and distant" behavior play out with you?

If you truly suspect that your partner may be having an affair, you might want to more systematically make a record of these inconsistencies and changes.

Gather information as best as you can to answer the questions you have.

It may be wise not to make an accusation and not to interrogate your partner until you have a better idea of what is really going on.

For more information about how to tell if your man is lying and cheating, visit this website:

Focus on what you DO want.
When you communicate with your spouse about your relationship-- and perhaps even your worries-- be sure to focus on what you DO want.

The clarifying you did above will help with this.

Instead of approaching your partner and saying something like, "I want to know why you are so cold and distant with me?" try this instead...

"Because our marriage is so important to me, I want to make sure we are staying connected. I am feeling distance between us and would like to talk about some ways that we might begin to move closer
together again. Here is one idea that I have.... I'd like to hear your thoughts about this."

Avoid blame or accusations (unless, of course, you have proof that your spouse is cheating and then you would probably be having a completely different conversation).

Use words and phrases that will keep you both open and that will promote re-connecting.

For more examples of sentence-starters that can help you talk about even difficult topics, check this out:

Be clear with your spouse about the kind of marriage you'd like to create with him or her.

Make it fun and, above all, let your partner know that having a loving, trust-filled and passionate relationship is your priority.


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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins, PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling (614) 568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email.

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