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Save Your Marriage Advice
"I drove her into the arms of
another.
What do I do to get her back?"
By Susie and Otto Collins
John is desperate to save his marriage. His wife
Kara had an affair
recently and, although she has broken off all
contact with this other
man, John is worried that he will lose her.
Recently, Kara told John
that she doesn't think that she can go back to the
way things were.
She admitted to him that part of the reason that she
cheated was
because she has felt so dissatisfied for so long
with their
relationship.
This other man came into her life and
appeared to give
her all of the things that John couldn't, or
wouldn't-- at least
that's how it seemed at the time.
Yes, John is angry that Kara cheated and that their
marriage is so
damaged, maybe dying. But most of all, he wants to
know how to get
Kara back and how to turn their relationship around.
If your spouse has had an affair and you want to
repair the damage
and stay with him or her, you might be struggling to
find the answers
to how you can "win back" your mate.
It can feel like a blow to both your self esteem and
to the trust in
your relationship when the promises that you made to
one another to
be faithful and monogamous have been broken.
Some
people feel like
they cannot restore that trust and they choose to
end their marriage.
This is always an option.
But, if you decide to stay with your partner and
work to repair
trust and your marriage, you will be more successful
if your mate has
the same goals.
Both of you need to absolutely certain that staying
is what you want
to do.
Even with the questions and concerns you may
have, it is
important that each of you commits to giving your
all to healing
individually and as a couple.
You cannot make your partner come back to you or
re-commit to your
marriage. But, you can take certain steps that will
help...
Forgive
Forgiveness is a powerful act when it comes to healing after an
affair. Unfortunately, forgiveness is quite
misunderstood.
Many people assume that forgiveness is a kind and
gracious thing
that is done for the other person. This notion of
forgiveness will
not allow you to heal the way that you need to heal.
When you
continue to believe that you have done something FOR
your partner who
cheated, you may harbor some level of resentment
about that.
However, when you re-think forgiveness as something
that you are
doing for you, the power of it can come through.
You
see, when you
forgive for you, it is a declaration that you are
ready to release
the past and the pain.
You are not indicating that the infidelity was okay
or pretending
that it never happened.
What are you doing is letting go of all of those
thoughts and
emotions that keep you stuck in what happened in the
past.
This
allows you to more easily look at the present moment
and to the
future you want to create with your mate.
If you have the belief (or have been told by your
partner) that you
are part of the reason why he or she cheated, be
sure to offer
yourself forgiveness.
By all means, learn from what happened. As difficult
as it may be,
listen to your spouse tell you what drove him or her
away.
At the same time, let go of any feelings of guilt
and all of those, "What if I had been or done_________ instead?"
thoughts that may be
crowding your mind.
Take responsibility
As you think and talk with your spouse about the
affair, rebuilding
trust and the state of your marriage, steer clear of
right and wrong.
It's also advisable NOT to hone in on who is most to
blame.
While you (or your partner) may have very compelling
reasons and
proof for why one of you is right and the other is
wrong about all of
this, such a discussion will only take the two of
you further apart
from one another.
Find the courage to take responsibility for your
share in the
dynamics that created distance between you.
Worry
less about what
your mate did-- even if it was that he or she had an
affair-- and
give more of your attention to what you can change
about your own
habits and behaviors.
It takes just about everything that John has in him
to listen
closely to what Kara says drove her away. She tells
him that she
felt insignificant and inadequate to him for the
bulk of their
marriage.
While some of this is Kara's own self esteem issues,
John
acknowledges that he tends to be very critical of
her. He is also
somewhat of a workaholic.
When he puts these
together, he can see
how this would be troubling and dissatisfying for
Kara.
Again, if your partner is the one who cheated, there
are certainly
choices and long-term habits that he or she needs to
take
responsibility for.
However, when you see the "big picture" of your
relationship as a
whole, you will most likely find that there were
dynamics that
involved your own habits and choices that caused
disconnection even
before the affair.
When you take responsibility for your own tendencies, you begin to
turn toward change. These changes can ones that help
you and your
spouse rebuild trust and connection.
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