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"What To Do
When You are Triggered by Your Spouse"
By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
Have you ever been "triggered" or "upset" by your
spouse?
Of course you have. We ALL have.
What we've discovered in our many years of learning
about relationships and a deeper understanding of
ourselves is that when we feel triggered by our
spouse or anyone, there's always something there to
be learned from the experience if we're open to the
lesson.
When any of us are triggered by our spouse or an
event, there's the tendency to resist, defend,
withdraw and to look outward instead of asking
ourselves the question--"What can I learn from
this?"
Why would you want to practice answering this
question when you're triggered by your spouse?
When you ask "What can I learn from this?" you are
shifting from blaming your spouse or the event to
taking responsibility for growing from the
experience. When you do this, you can move more
easily and quickly to reconnecting with him or
her--or just feeling better.
We'll explain with a simple example...
Several years ago, Susie was triggered by what
several members of a group she was in were saying
and doing. Although she had been in the group for
many years, she no longer felt connected to them.
She started to "blame" them for her disconnection
but then remembered to ask herself "What can I learn
from this?"
What she found when she got quiet within herself was
that this feeling of disconnection simply meant that
she no longer wanted to be a part of this group. It
was no longer a match for her and she could use the
time doing things that really excited her now.
In her heart, she was grateful for what the group
had given to her over the years but it was time to
move on.
What does this example have to do with helping you
to create more passion, love and connection in your
marriage?
Every time you are triggered and you blame your
partner, you create disconnection and you are not
tapping in to "you."
Every time you ask "What can I learn from this?" and
accept that something within you helped to create
this trigger. That's certainly not to blame you but
rather to shed some light on your inner thoughts and
feelings and to help you to create a great marriage.
It might be that the "trigger" indicates that you
need to tell your spouse how you are feeling and
what you want.
It might be that the "trigger" indicates that you
need to pay attention to "you." You may need to
pamper yourself in some way or to give yourself
space and time to rest and rejuvenate.
It might be that the "trigger" is a signal that you
have some learning and growing to do in some area of
your life.
When you pay attention to the triggers, you create a
better relationship with yourself and also with your
spouse.
We know that each one of you is triggered by
something or someone at some time. And when you are,
we recommend that you ask yourself this very
important question so that you don't create walls
between you and the other person.
We invite you to try this simple idea to create more
passion, love and connection in your marriage and in
your life.
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