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Day Emergency Repair Kit: How to Get Back Into Her
By Susie and Otto Collins
John feels like he's messed up somehow with his
wife, Ann, but he's not exactly sure what he's done.
She has been giving him the cold shoulder for over
two weeks now.
This isn't the first time that there's been
disconnection between John and Ann.
John does not consider himself to be a very
attentive husband. He means to be and he certainly
loves his wife.
But his demanding job, home repair projects, his
golf game, football championships and other things
always seem to get in the way.
He hasn't even tried asking Ann what he's done this
time. He's not sure he wants to know and he's
certain that he doesn't want to hear her get angry
What John wants is a quick and easy way to make
things right in his marriage.
With February 14th right around the corner, John is
looking for a Valentine's Day Emergency Repair Kit.
You may have a very different dynamic with your
spouse than John has with Ann.
It could be that you are very aware of a mistake
that you made-- either by your words or actions--
that caused pain or even mistrust.
You might have apologized for the hurtful words or
actions or you might not have said "I'm sorry."
It could also be that the habits you and your mate
have fallen into in your marriage are at the root of
the distance, disconnection or conflict between the
two of you.
Regardless of the specifics and whether or not
Valentine's Day is near, like John, you might be
looking for some way to begin repairing your
Don't try to say "I'm sorry" with flowers...
One of John's close friends offered him some marital
advice. This friend urged him NOT to try to fix his
marriage problems with flowers or candy.
This doesn't mean that John (or you) can't give your
spouse some sweet treat to celebrate Valentine's
What it does mean is that such gifts are supposed to
be merely gestures or expressions of how you feel.
They aren't effective ways to get into your wife's
(or husband's) good graces if you've been hurtful,
neglectful or even if there's an unhealthy dynamic
between the two of you.
There really are no quick fixes-- especially when it
comes to turning around disconnection in your
The good news is, when you are willing to open up
and communicate about what happened-- or what's
currently happening-- with honesty and love, you can
make dramatic improvements.
John does order a nice bouquet of flowers to be sent
to Ann's office for Valentine's Day. He also asks
her to sit down and talk with him
that night after dinner.
While John is uncomfortable and stumbles a bit over
his words, he asks Ann to please share with him what
is upsetting her.
He tells her that he loves her and that he wants to
know what he's done and how he can start to make
After a surprised moment, Ann does open up to John.
She tells him that she feels unimportant in his
She becomes angry and she does cry as she talks
about wanting a husband with whom she can hang
out, have fun and share intimacy (which has been
Essentially, Ann shares with John that she would
like to regularly spend more time together as a
couple-- and to not feel like John is forcing
himself to do this.
Hearing Ann's words, John realizes that he hasn't
spent much time with Ann over the past few months.
He apologizes to her in a very sincere way.
John also admits to her that he'd like to take some
time to better understand why he tends to put other
activities and friends above her and their
He says that he'd like to re-arrange his priorities,
but he knows that he also needs to do this inner
They both agree to keep communication open. They
also set up a date for that weekend.
Choose your gifts wisely...
Whether it's Valentine's Day, a birthday,
anniversary or another special occasion, choose your
As we said above, don't use material gifts to try to
solve your marital problems. This truly does not
work-- especially in the long-run.
Learn from John's example and take the brave step to
communicate about what's going on in your
Take responsibility for your share of the dynamic
and then create agreements with your partner to turn
the situation around.
Whatever material gifts you do decide to give, offer
them to your spouse from your heart. Think about
what might bring enjoyment and evoke a particular
meaning for your partner when picking out the gift.
Don't worry about finding the "perfect" present.
Instead, imbue whatever gift you choose with your
love and care.
Quite often, the most memorable and meaningful gifts
a person can receive don't cost much (if any) money.
Being fully present and engaged with your spouse on
that special day and every day after can help move
your marriage from a place of disconnection to one
deeper connection and closeness.