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Valentine's Day Emergency Repair Kit: How to Get Back Into Her Good Graces
By Susie and Otto Collins

John feels like he's messed up somehow with his wife, Ann, but he's not exactly sure what he's done. She has been giving him the cold shoulder for over two weeks now.

This isn't the first time that there's been disconnection between John and Ann.

John does not consider himself to be a very attentive husband. He means to be and he certainly loves his wife.

But his demanding job, home repair projects, his golf game, football championships and other things always seem to get in the way.

He hasn't even tried asking Ann what he's done this time. He's not sure he wants to know and he's certain that he doesn't want to hear her get angry or cry.

What John wants is a quick and easy way to make things right in his marriage.

With February 14th right around the corner, John is looking for a Valentine's Day Emergency Repair Kit.

You may have a very different dynamic with your spouse than John has with Ann.

It could be that you are very aware of a mistake that you made-- either by your words or actions-- that caused pain or even mistrust.

You might have apologized for the hurtful words or actions or you might not have said "I'm sorry."

It could also be that the habits you and your mate have fallen into in your marriage are at the root of the distance, disconnection or conflict between the two of you.

Regardless of the specifics and whether or not Valentine's Day is near, like John, you might be looking for some way to begin repairing your relationship.

Don't try to say "I'm sorry" with flowers...
One of John's close friends offered him some marital advice. This friend urged him NOT to try to fix his marriage problems with flowers or candy.

We agree.

This doesn't mean that John (or you) can't give your spouse some sweet treat to celebrate Valentine's Day.

What it does mean is that such gifts are supposed to be merely gestures or expressions of how you feel.

They aren't effective ways to get into your wife's (or husband's) good graces if you've been hurtful, neglectful or even if there's an unhealthy dynamic between the two of you.

There really are no quick fixes-- especially when it comes to turning around disconnection in your marriage.

The good news is, when you are willing to open up and communicate about what happened-- or what's currently happening-- with honesty and love, you can make dramatic improvements.

John does order a nice bouquet of flowers to be sent to Ann's office for Valentine's Day. He also asks her to sit down and talk with him
that night after dinner.

While John is uncomfortable and stumbles a bit over his words, he asks Ann to please share with him what is upsetting her.

He tells her that he loves her and that he wants to know what he's done and how he can start to make amends.

After a surprised moment, Ann does open up to John. She tells him that she feels unimportant in his life.

She becomes angry and she does cry as she talks about wanting a husband with whom she can hang
out, have fun and share intimacy (which has been scarce lately).

Essentially, Ann shares with John that she would like to regularly spend more time together as a couple-- and to not feel like John is forcing himself to do this.

Hearing Ann's words, John realizes that he hasn't spent much time with Ann over the past few months. He apologizes to her in a very sincere way.

John also admits to her that he'd like to take some time to better understand why he tends to put other activities and friends above her and their relationship.

He says that he'd like to re-arrange his priorities, but he knows that he also needs to do this inner work too.

They both agree to keep communication open. They also set up a date for that weekend.

Choose your gifts wisely...
Whether it's Valentine's Day, a birthday, anniversary or another special occasion, choose your gifts wisely.

As we said above, don't use material gifts to try to solve your marital problems. This truly does not work-- especially in the long-run.

Learn from John's example and take the brave step to communicate about what's going on in your relationship.

Take responsibility for your share of the dynamic and then create agreements with your partner to turn the situation around.

Whatever material gifts you do decide to give, offer them to your spouse from your heart. Think about what might bring enjoyment and evoke a particular meaning for your partner when picking out the gift.

Don't worry about finding the "perfect" present. Instead, imbue whatever gift you choose with your love and care.

Quite often, the most memorable and meaningful gifts a person can receive don't cost much (if any) money.

Being fully present and engaged with your spouse on that special day and every day after can help move your marriage from a place of disconnection to one of
deeper connection and closeness.

 
 

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Contact Info
Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins, PO Box 14544, Columbus, OH 43214
Contact Susie or Otto about Relationship Coaching by calling (614) 568-8282.
For all other inquiries, contact us by email.

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