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The Importance of Keeping Your
Connection in Your Second Marriage
By Susie and Otto Collins
A second (or third or
fourth) marriage can happen anytime in your life and
it's what you do to keep that marriage alive that
determines whether it lasts or not.
One of the secrets to creating a great second
marriage is to keep your connection strong and
alive.
Here's a great story about
one of our friends that illustrates this point...
When we saw our friend
Elizabeth, she was absolutely glowing! Not only
was she glowing, but she was excited about her
life in a way we've never seen.
Elizabeth, who is in her middle
to late sixties, has reconnected with a man who she
went on a double date with fifty years ago and they
are getting married soon--a second marriage for both
of them.
As she told and showed us how
happy she was, we couldn't help but think about the
power of connection and how important it is in
marriage.
In Kenny and Julia Loggins'
book "The Unimaginable Life," Kenny said, "We all
long for love. Everything else is just killing
time." The same thing could be said about the
importance of feeling connected in our lives.
Connection is different for
every single person and different for every
relationship--but when it's happening you know it.
Connection is especially important in second
marriages. More than likely, your first marriage
dissolved because your connection had disappeared
You had either grown apart or had become so angry at
each other that you could no longer live together.
In any case, connection is usually what disappeared
first--and it probably happened in various ways.
When you talk about
connection, you have to talk about what it means
to both people.
The differences between how one person wants to
connect compared to how another person connects
can be a real problem in any type of
relationship, especially marriages.
One person
might want to talk about their day when they
come home with the person they are living with
and the other person wants some space and
doesn't want to talk.
Resentments can build and even
though the two people might love or care deeply
about one another, there's very little connection
because of the walls they've built between them.
If you'd like to connect more
in your second marriage, here are a few ideas to
help you do that...
1. Open yourself to connecting.
Don't shut yourself off
physically or emotionally from people or
situations. It's pretty easy to bury yourself in
television, the internet or just plain busyness
as a way to distract yourself and keep you
separate from those you love.
Opening yourself
to connection might be something as simple as
stopping your "doing" and looking directly into
the eyes of someone you love when you are
talking with them.
2. Don't make assumptions about
what you think people are thinking, saying or doing.
If in doubt, ask from a place of genuinely wanting
to find out more rather than judging.
3. Adopt an attitude that
fosters connection.
Attitudes that stop
connection are--
"I'm right. You're wrong"
"I'm better (smarter,
prettier) than you"
"If you'd only do it this
way, everything would be fine"
Attitudes that create
connection are--
"What can I learn from
you?"
"You're important to me."
"My way is not the only
way. Tell me your ideas."
4. Search for common interests
that excite you.
Focus on the "overlap"
between the two of you--
where you have points of
similarities rather than
focusing on how very
different you are.
5. Talk about how you would
like to connect. Don't
leave it up to chance and
hope that it all works
out.
Don't make the mistake of
thinking that connection
always happens by accident
and that it's unimportant--even in your second
marriage.
Connection requires both of you to be active
participants in the process. You can't sit
around and hope that you find a connection with
each other. You have to make it.
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