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Second Marriage Advice
Article
For a
Successful Second Marriage...Leave the Past in the
Past
By Susie and Otto Collins
Nobody wants to repeat their mistakes of the past.
If your first marriage ended in divorce, you
probably want to learn from your past and not feel
"doomed to repeat history."
Perhaps your ex cheated. Maybe you were the one who
had an affair instead. Or there could've been other
relationship habits that drove the two of you
irrevocably apart.
Whatever happened to contribute to your first
marriage ending, we're betting that you don't want
to go through the same pain, loss and upheaval in
this new marriage.
Because of a desire to learn from mistakes in
previous relationships, people sometimes end up
making the majority of their decisions from a
past-orientation.
This might take the shape of frequently comparing
the current spouse to the past one. It could also
involve a constant comparing of behaviors, words or
situations.
Even if the comparing that you are doing between
your past and your present marriages is "in favor"
or more positive about your current marriage, we
recommend that you stop!
Ultimately, we suggest that you learn from the
past but don't live in it.
Here's why....
Every person, relationship and even every moment in
time is unique. Even you are changing and
growing all of the time.
You simply cannot accurately use a past relationship
(especially one involving a different person) to
judge your present one.
There might be signs of infidelity, for example,
that were present in your first marriage that you
are now "on the lookout" for in this relationship.
We want you to ask yourself if scrutinizing your
current mate for signals that look like those
displayed by your ex is moving the two of you closer
together or further apart.
How is your underlying suspiciousness affecting
trust in your present marriage?
Other than the fact that your ex cheated, do you
have any reasons to suspect that your current mate
is having an affair?
These are important considerations to make if you
find yourself attempting to use the past as a way to
judge the present.
We are not, on the other hand, recommending that you
dismiss or ignore real evidence in your current
marriage that requires clarification or follow up
information.
Stay awake and aware.
If you need to be "on the lookout" for something in
your present relationship, look for disconnection
and distance. These don't necessarily mean that your
partner is cheating.
But they do let you know that it's time to pay
closer attention to your marriage and to possibly
make some changes.
Judi is fearful that her husband Karl is having an
affair-- or that he will have one soon. You see,
Judi's first husband Paul cheated with many women.
At the time of their divorce, Judi was unsure about
exactly how many affairs Paul had over the course of
their 15 year marriage.
For the majority of her marriage to Paul, Judi did
not suspect a thing. Even when she found out about
an affair, she kept taking Paul back and continued
to believe that he would change for the better.
Now, with Karl, Judi cannot seem to erase the doubts
in her mind that she kept ignoring with Paul.
When she married Karl, Judi promised herself that
she would not allow this husband to take advantage
of her and flaunt their marriage vows in her face
the way that Paul did.
Make completions.
Sometimes people spend a lot of their time and
energy facing backwards. There are aspects of their
former marriage that still feel unresolved.
This usually means that they cannot live fully in
the
present relationship.
Check in with yourself about your marriage that
ended. Do you feel like you need to make completions
about that past relationship?
There might be things you really need to say to your
ex. You may have questions that are still bothering
you and that you'd like to have answered.
To make a completion, you may ask your ex to talk
with you in person or by phone. Or you might be able
to write down what you want to say in a letter and
then choose whether or not you'd like to mail it.
Sometimes completions are more symbolic in nature
and they don't actually involve interacting with
your ex.
Listen to what you need to do so that you can more
fully release the past. It can move you and your
current spouse closer together if you share with him
or her your plan for the completion and also why it
is
so important to you to resolve these issues with
your ex.
Judi is finally honest with herself and with Karl.
She admits that she does not fully trust him and
that she keeps watching him for signs that he's
cheating.
Karl knows about Judi's
painful experience with Paul, so he can understand
why she feels this way-- even if he thinks it is
unfair to him.
Karl encourages Judi to make completions about her
past marriage in whatever way she needs to. Judi
appreciates Karl's support and she begins to seek
help from a relationship coach.
With her coach's help, Judi is eventually able to
make peace with her past and to release it.
Judi can now be more present with Karl rather than
reading everything Karl does from the perspective of
her memories of Paul.
To make your second marriage as successful as it can
be, learn how to let go of the past and be present.
Pay attention to what's going on in this
relationship.
If you feel like your history is repeating itself,
take a deep breath and a deeper look at what you
think you are seeing before communicating or taking
action about it. Ask yourself if you are viewing
this situation from a present- or a past-
orientation.
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