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Marriage
Agreements to Make BEFORE You Exchange Rings
By Susie and Otto Collins
Are you in a serious love relationship?
Have the two of you started to talk about possibly
getting married? If so, before you set foot in
a jewelry store to pick out rings, take some time to
communicate.
Consider making some marriage agreements now. This
kind of discussion can help the two of you move
closer together. And you can also start a habit of
open and honest communication that makes for a
strong, healthy and connected marriage.
**NOTE: Even if you
are already married, it's never too late to start
talking more honestly and openly.
Jessie and Mark have been dating for over a year
now. They have been talking about taking their
commitment to the next level and, for them, this
means getting married. So far, their relationship
has
been relatively trouble-free except for a few minor
bumps along the way.
But Jessie is worried that their bliss will come to
an abrupt halt after they are married and their
"honeymoon" is over. She doesn't want the closeness
and passion that they share to end.
When Jessie shares her concerns with a close friend,
the friend advises her to sit down with Mark and
create some marriage agreements.
Marriage agreements are different from the wedding
vows that many couples pledge to one another in a
church, before a justice of the peace or wherever
their wedding happens to take place.
Marriage agreements involve you and your partner
becoming clear within yourselves about the
expectations you have for your marriage.
These agreements revolve around the intersection of
your expectations, dreams and non-negotiables
and those of your mate.
Marriage agreements can certainly be re-considered
as time passes and your perspectives of certain
situations change. But it is helpful to start out
your married life together with an openness and
forward-visioning that can carry you through
challenging times.
*Expectations
We've all got them. There are some broad
expectations that just about everybody makes about
marriage. Many of us expect that the person we are
married to will be monogamous, for example.
We advise you to not make any assumptions. Have an
expectations talk with your partner. Include in that
discussion a sharing of what monogamy means to each
of you. It might seem obvious, but it could
be worth covering nonetheless.
You might also talk about each of your expectations
about whether or not the two of you plan to have
children.
If so, who will provide the primary care for them?
How will you divide up the cooking, cleaning, repair
and general upkeep for your home?
There are many topics that you might take for
granted because that's the way you see marriage.
Chances are, your partner might have a slightly
different take on things.
Even if the two of you have been living together,
there might be changes that one or both of you
expect will happen after getting married.
*Dreams
Sharing your dreams is another way to talk about
expectations. This type of discussion is more of a
vision for a possible future that may or may not
happen.
Jessie has dreams of traveling to every continent in
the world. She has hinted at her love for travel to
Mark, but hasn't yet told him that she truly does
desire to reach this goal.
If Mark sees their married life as more settled in
one location, conflict or resentment could later
occur for either or both of them.
While Jessie knows she might not literally travel to
every continent, when she shares this dream with
Mark, he can better understand her urge to travel.
They can find ways to ensure that both feel that
their dreams are honored and, if at all possible,
being realized.
*Non-negotiables
Monogamy is a prime example of a non-negotiable in a
marriage or a committed relationship as well. For
many couples, this is something that is not open to
discussion-- both feel strongly about it.
Other people maintain firm stands about whether or
not they want to have children. This is vital
information for your partner to know about you
before you get married.
You can become clear within yourself about whether
there is any "wiggle room" on a particular issue.
If there's not, it is a non- negotiable. It is up to
each couple to decide if they can be married and
live the way they want to together with particular
disagreements.
From these discussions about your expectations,
dreams and non-negotiables, you and your mate can
create some marriage agreements.
Again, there might be some space for these to change
and evolve over time. Start this wonderful
communication habit of honesty and openness.
****************
Susie and Otto Collins are
Relationship Coaches and authors who help people
create lives that are filled with more passion, love
and connection. For more tips on a great
relationship, sign up for their free
mini-course at
http://www.collinspartners.com/
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