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"Our Marriage
was Great BEFORE We Had Kids": Tips for
Re-Connecting with Your Spouse
By Susie and Otto Collins
Megan and Scott have a bustling family of 5. They
both love being parents-- going to little league
games, hosting playdates, volunteering at school
functions and more.
In fact, sometimes Megan thinks that she and Scott
have stopped being a married couple and, instead,
are only two co-parenting adults who love one
another.
She can't remember the last time she felt the kind
of sexy and passionate connection with Scott that
they used to share the majority of the time...before
they had kids.
To Megan, it seems like she has to choose either her
kids or her marriage. She believes that she just
doesn't have the energy to devote to both.
She only hopes that once the kids are older, Scott
will be willing to re-kindle their connection.
She fears that if they wait too long, the passion
and spark between them will have died completely
away. She also worries that Scott will look outside
their marriage to fill in the holes that have formed
in their marriage.
Does it ever seem like you and your spouse had an
amazing marriage before your kids came along?
Of course, your children are probably precious to
you and your mate. The apples of your eye.
But, it is undeniable that your whole life--
including the dynamics between you and your spouse--
changed once you started a family.
Somewhere along the line, you may have developed the
belief that you can't have it all-- you cannot
possibly make both your kids and your partner a
priority.
Or can you?
Don't make your marriage less important than your
kids.
If you are concerned that you and your spouse
have lost one another and your connection amid the
busy-ness of life with kids, you aren't alone.
And, you actually DON'T have to choose between the
two.
Yes, of course, your kids and your marriage have
different needs. These needs will fluctuate over
time.
Megan, for example, finds that her kids really seem
to need her help and attention as they are starting
something new such as the school year, a class,
sports season, or even a new phase of life (like
potty
training).
After her kids have settled in to the routine of
this new thing, however, everyone seems to ease up a
bit. In many respects, the children take care of
themselves.
When Megan thinks about it, her marriage with Scott
sometimes needs extra care than at other times. She
notices this most clearly after the two of them have
had an argument over a relatively small matter.
Megan can see that if she and Scott paid more
regular attention to their marriage, they would
possibly have fewer needless arguments.
Or, they probably would be able to diffuse the
tension and irritation more quickly when
disagreements arise.
She would also love to really put some energy into
planning a weekend get-away for she and Scott. This
is a focus for her attention and energy that she is
looking forward to.
Open up your mind to the possibility that both your
marriage and your children can be priorities in your
life AND that you can do this easily.
Keep talking with your partner about how you can
have it all.
Be sure to share with your partner your intention to
re-think your priorities so that both your kids and
your marriage can be equally important.
Initiate a conversation with your spouse about how
you both can have it all-- be specific about what
that means to you.
It might mean that you and your mate divide up the
child care responsibilities differently so that you
both have more time and energy to plan and enjoy
truly connecting time together.
It may also mean that you and your mate make a list
of chores around the house that would be doable for
your children and ask them to pitch in.
None of this has to be a big, horrible deal. In
fact, you can make it fun.
Pick a particular block of time each week and make
it house cleaning time. Every person in your family
can choose or be assigned a task that fits his or
her abilities-- put on some fun music and get the
chores done together.
Find out what works best for your family and
situation.
The point here is for you and your spouse to come up
with ideas (and try them out) for how both of you
can be freer to be both engaged parents AND close
and connected lovers.
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Susie and Otto Collins are
Relationship Coaches and authors who help people
create lives that are filled with more passion, love
and connection. For more tips on a great
relationship, sign up for their free
mini-course at
http://www.collinspartners.com/
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