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Marriage Advice:
Is it Really Your Business?
By Susie and Otto Collins
When you've been with a partner for an amount of
time, you can start to think that you know what's
best for him or her.
Even if you don't believe you know what's best for
your spouse, you probably become aware of his or her
habits and tendencies and see them from a, perhaps,
more expanded viewpoint.
When you mate starts down a path that you've seen
him or her take before-- and you know it leads to
distress and upset-- your tendency could be to step
in as a way to prevent a repeat of past debacles or
hardship.
The trouble is, when you insert your actions or
words into someone else's business without being
asked, you can add to the stress or turmoil you are
trying to help your spouse avoid!
You might come off as controlling or pushy to your
mate.
It may seem that you don't trust your partner to
handle this situation without your input. He or she
might even resent you sticking your proverbial nose
into something that doesn't directly involve you.
Of course, when your partner is off-kilter and
distracted by a problem, you are indirectly
involved.
The connection can become strained when one of you
is seemingly drained by a difficult issue.
At the same time, no matter how well-intentioned you
might be, when you get involved in your spouse's
business without being asked, the disconnection
between the two of you can become even bigger!
Julie's husband Christopher loves her deeply. He
hurts inside when she is hurting. He feels angry
when she is angry. The bond between the two of them
is very strong.
But when Christopher got involved in a situation
that came up between Julie and her sister, without
being asked, Julie felt irritated and annoyed.
Julie and her sister Olivia got into a huge argument
that ended with both of them speaking hurtful words
that both regret.
Wanting more than anything else for Julie to be
happy again, Christopher called Olivia and suggested
that she try to make amends with Julie.
Unfortunately, Christopher's actions only
intensified the anger between the two sisters as
Olivia assumed that Julie put Christopher up to the
call so that she didn't have to apologize herself.
Now Julie feels like she's lost her sister and that
her husband doesn't trust her to solve her own
problems herself.
Stop right there BEFORE you get involved!
If you sense or see your mate saying or doing
something that you think is a bad idea, stop
yourself before you jump in and get involved--
especially if it does not directly involve you.
Of course, we don't want you to remain silent if the
one you love is about to act in a way that will
cause harm to him or herself-- or another person.
If you take even a few seconds to check in with
yourself before speaking up or otherwise getting
involved, you can still make choices that can help
the situation.
And you have a greater chance of staying connected
with your spouse in the process.
Go within and ask yourself if this issue directly
involves you. If it does, you can more clearly
proceed-- coming from your own perspective and
asserting what you want in this case.
If the situation does not directly involve you,
question whether someone is truly in imminent danger
because of your partner's behavior.
There are certainly contexts in which getting
involved in someone else's business because you
believe that person (or another) might come to
bodily harm is a wise move.
If you decide that this is not your business and
nobody is in imminent danger, take a deep breath and
explore your urge to get involved a little deeper.
Sometimes circumstances come up in another person's
life that mirror something going on now (or in the
past) in your own life.
This is why the compulsion to say or do something
that's not your business seems so strong!
Look at the trigger and recognize the original
dynamic in your own life. You might decide that it's
time for you to address whatever it is that the
current-time trigger links to for you.
You might also choose to notice it and then bring
your attention back to what seems to be going on
with your mate.
Make a separation between what may have happened (or
be happening) with you and what you are observing in
your spouse's life.
Once Julie has calmed down about Christopher calling
her sister to intervene about their argument, she
sits down to talk with him.
Christopher apologizes to Julie for making the call
without first getting Julie's permission.
He tells her how worried he is about her and that
doesn't want her to lose touch with her sister
Olivia.
Christopher also acknowledges to Julie that part of
his intense drive to try to fix things between the
two sisters is connected with an unresolved argument
he had with a close cousin over a decade ago.
Christopher and his cousin, who used to be very
close, had a falling out over a monetary loan and
have barely talked since.
Julie tells Christopher that she appreciates his
care
for her well-being and she can understand why this
would trigger him.
They agree to support one another as they each
decide how to proceed in their individual
situations.
Christopher is planning to call his cousin to talk
and Julie wants to process a little more about the
contention with her sister before choosing her next
step.
How to offer advice to your spouse.
When you realize that what's going on with your mate
is not your business but you want to offer your
advice, you can do so.
Rather than leaping in and speaking or acting
without being asked first, you can make an offer to
help and then honor whether or not your partner is
willing to receive what you are offering.
You might try these phrases when you want to help
and you also want to stay connected with your
partner...
*I sense that you are upset by this situation
with
________. Are you open to a few suggestions I have?
*I have some thoughts about what seems to be going
on in your life regarding _______. Are you willing
to hear them now?
*It seems to me that you are troubled by _______.
How can I best support you right now?
You can use statements like these to let your mate
know that you care and are willing to help-- but in
ways that he or she is open to and willing to
receive.
Loving your spouse can be a tricky business! You
probably want him or her to be happy and you want to
stay connected and close.
Practice getting clear about what's your business
and-- especially when you're not directly involved--
how you want to proceed.
Communicate your love and offers of support and
then listen and respect what your mate needs from
you right now.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and
"No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people get
more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys
to a closer, more loving relationship, click below
for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.RelationshipGold.com. |
