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The Challenge that Can Keep Your Marriage Strong
and Connected
By Susie and Otto Collins
Recently we attended a wedding. In front of the
group of friends, family and well-wishers, the
minister who presided over the ceremony challenged
this newly married couple to love one another
unconditionally.
Wow! Unconditional love is a pretty tall order when
you really think about it.
It sounds wonderful and appealing to be loved
unconditionally and even to love your spouse with
that same no holds barred kind of love.
But is it really possible or practical?
Come on. When you're really honest with yourself, do
you always treat your mate in a way that
demonstrates your absolute love-- no matter what is
going on and regardless of what he or she is doing?
It is certainly easy to be loving and revel in your
warm or passionate feelings for your partner when
all is smooth and easy-going in your relationship.
When you have a disagreement or you feel
disappointed about your spouse's behavior or words,
however, most of us usually don't feel (or act)
quite so loving.
After listening to the minister's challenge to the
newlyweds, we began to think more about what
unconditional love is.
We started to wonder if this is a reasonable
challenge for a couple at any point in their
relationship.
Ultimately, we believe that it is. And we believe
that it can strengthen and enhance your connection!
What does it mean to love unconditionally?
We've probably all experienced conditional love or
conditional acceptance-- either on the giving or
receiving end.
When you love with conditions, there are usually
rules or particular circumstances in which we
ourselves or others are “rewarded” with love or
positive attention.
If we somehow violate those rules, the love is
withdrawn and we sometimes feel like we're being
“punished.”
These messages might have come through for you as a
child. Without meaning to, perhaps the adults in
your life taught you that in order to be loved, you
had to play along by “their” rules.
Of course you wanted to feel loved and accepted, so
you might have felt compelled to please them in
order to assure their love.
If you've ever been in such a position, you know
that
conditional love such as this can be painful and
foster mistrust and insecurity.
Unconditional love, on the other hand, is a love
that abides and is present even when you don't
follow along with the rules of others.
The person might feel disappointed or angry with
you, but there is a knowing that his or her love for
you is strong and present nonetheless.
A misunderstanding of unconditional love might be
that you have to accept and agree with anything your
mate does so that he or she knows your love.
It is this misunderstanding-- and impossible state--
that probably leads many to abandon the idea of
unconditional love as impractical and even
undesirable.
Too often, people associate “unconditional” love
with the notion of having no boundaries or sense of
personal preferences.
With this mindset, it can seem like one person has
to submit to the other in order to keep that
“unconditional” love going.
This is absolutely NOT true!
In fact, when you stuff down your honest feelings
and desires in order to force a feeling of love and
acceptance, you are not encouraging connection or
unconditional love.
Free yourself to love unconditionally.
When you open your mind and expand your
understanding of what unconditional love is, you can
free yourself to actually do it.
First of all, we suggest that you start to love
yourself unconditionally.
Many times, people get bound up in their own limited
and conditional self-love. They are simply unable to
do for their partner what they cannot do for
themselves.
If you have a habit of only loving yourself when you
are “behaving” or meeting certain requirements, you
might set a goal for yourself to make a shift.
It could be that you challenge yourself to watch
what you are thinking about yourself. When a
negative, judgmental thought crowds your mind,
notice it and gently let it pass.
Affirm to yourself that you love yourself no matter
what.
You can also extend this practice to your spouse.
Pay
attention and acknowledge when you speak or think
limiting and critical things about him or her.
Again, this doesn't mean that you absolutely agree
with everything your partner does or says.
Even when you request that your mate make a change
or you set a boundary, do it with a sense of love
and an intention to connect.
This can make all the difference.
When your intention is merely to be right or have
your way, you are probably undermining your
connection.
Instead, come to discussions with an energy and with
words that convey that you deeply love and respect
your mate....AND you'd like to see a particular
change happen.
As you love yourself and your partner
unconditionally more of the time, watch how your
relationship deepens and grows.
See your unconditional love expand even more.
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Susie and Otto Collins are
Relationship Coaches and authors who help people
create lives that are filled with more passion, love
and connection. For more tips on turning up the heat
in your love relationship, sign up for their free
mini-course at
http://www.RedHotLoveRelationships.com
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