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What to Do When
You Are Unhappy and Disappointed in Your Marriage
By Susie and Otto Collins
"This isn't what I signed up for!"
Have you ever uttered these words about your
marriage-- either to yourself or to another person,
even your mate?
Many people have been in a place where the reality
of their married life isn't even close to what they
envisioned, or even deemed acceptable, when they
said "I do."
When first starting out as a couple, you might have
been more open and accepting of your partner.
His or her dreams might have seemed exciting,
inspiring and uplifting to you at the time.
It could very well have also been that the two of
you felt that you could do anything, go anywhere and
be whatever you each wanted to be-- as long as
you're together.
But now you possibly have kids, a mortgage,
demanding jobs and seemingly little time for dreams,
let alone a date night out!
Your dissatisfaction with where your life is can
easily become directed at your marriage and your
partner.
It might seem that he or she is the reason that you
aren't writing the novel you've always wanted to
write, backpacking through Europe or whatever it is
you're longing to do or be.
From your perspective, your marriage is absolutely
not what you thought you were "signing" up for all
of those years ago.
And your partner might not even seem to be the same
person that you fell in love with and shared all of
those glorious visions with.
Let's be honest here.
Your partner most likely isn't the same person he or
she was when you first fell in love.
And your marriage quite possibly doesn't look like
what you thought it would.
We are all changing and growing-- including you and
including your partner.
And it is really tough to truly know what a future
event, situation or relationship will be like--
especially marriage.
Any relationship goes through changes as the people
involved in it change. Our preferences and desires
shift, expand, contract or otherwise transform.
The key is to stay open and honest with yourself and
your mate and keep communicating about your
ever-changing aspirations and your ever-changing
self in ways that help you two stay connected.
Candace is a stay-at-home mom. She has been happy in
this role and it is a decision that she and her
husband, Peter, made 10 years ago when their first
child was born.
They have made financial sacrifices because of this
decision, but they both see many benefits from it.
Peter is a modern man and he does a share of the
cooking and cleaning around the house. However, the
majority of the home and child care work is done by
Candace.
She has felt like this has been her "job" over the
years.
But now Candace has been taking steps to realize one
of her dreams. She loves to bake and has set
up a home bakery business that's beginning to take
off.
So when Peter comes home that evening ready to relax
and have dinner and time with the family, he is
irritated by what he finds instead.
The house is a mess, dinner is not made, kids are
running around wildly and Candace is busily frosting
cupcakes to fill a large last-minute order.
Candace wants Peter to pitch in and help run the
house and she wants him to be excited that her
business is gathering steam (and bringing in some
money).
Peter feels resistant to the big changes that have
happened in his home and his marriage. Candace seems
less available to him or their children.
Both feel angry, resentful and emotionally
unsupported.
Be clear, open and honest about what you want.
When you find yourself thinking or saying words
like, "This isn't what I signed up for!" create some
time for yourself to go within.
Gain some clarity about what it is you truly want
right now. What is your priority? Because we all are
always changing, this may very well be different
than it was a year ago or even a week ago.
You might consider what is most important in terms
of your personal growth, professional life, your
marriage and your family-- or other areas that are
relevant to your situation.
We're not suggesting that you have to rank your
priorities or decide what you will make #1 on your
list.
Instead, get clear about what is important to you
right now. Sometimes this will surprise you.
After a cold shoulder-kind of evening, both Candace
and Peter take some quiet time in separate parts of
the house after the cupcakes have been made and the
kids have been put to bed.
Candace begins to ask herself what's important to
her.
She acknowledges that caring for her children and
feeling close and connected to Peter are still
priorities for her.
At the same time, she is longing to expand her
attentions. The bakery business bolsters her self
esteem and sense of accomplishment. It also feels
important to Candace to contribute financially to
the family's income.
You might write out a list of what's important to
you right now and highlight or underline those
things you feel more strongly about.
Try to stay open about your list and keep your focus
on what you want, letting go of limiting beliefs
that might crop up along the way.
For example, when Candace writes down her list, she
thinks angrily to herself that Peter will never
consent to take on more housework because he doesn't
respect her business-- or her.
Candace's expectations of Peter may or may not be
accurate.
The trouble is, when you allow an expectation or
belief to dictate how you react to your mate, you
often close down to a potential for connection and
cooperation.
You slam the proverbial door in your own face, as
well as your mate's face.
Soften, listen and find ways to make it work.
Candace and Peter arrange for a sitter to watch
their children the next evening.
They go to a park and talk about their relationship
and how best to deal with the changes they've been
going through lately.
Both have made lists of their priorities and they
start out by sharing what they've written down.
Both are relieved and happy to learn that caring for
and spending connected time as a couple and a
family are important to each of them.
Peter begins to feel more rigid and tense when
Candace talks about her need to pursue this bakery
business.
Before he completely closes down, however, he
notices that at the bottom of his resistance is
fear. He is afraid that he (and their kids) will no
longer be
important to Candace.
After recognizing his fears, Peter is able to soften
and listen more fully to what she is saying. Somehow
Candace's dream sounds less threatening and more
doable now.
Candace recognizes the way that she tightens up when
asserting her desire to make this business a
success.
Sitting on the park bench with Peter, she is also
able to see that it is not really Peter who is
standing in her way.
She realizes that her own fears about failing and
her guilt about somehow "neglecting" her family are
contributing to her feeling unsupported by Peter.
With this clearer understanding of their own
tendencies and deeper feelings, both Candace and
Peter are able to talk about how their new lives
together can work.
For the first time, they are able to look at
possible solutions rather than merely become angry
with or
judgmental of each other.
They come away from their talk on that park bench
feeling hopeful and closer than they have been in a
long while.
Life is full of surprises and unexpected
occurrences-- so too is marriage. Both are almost
never what we each think we "signed" up for.
The path to happiness, connection and fulfillment is
to stay open along the way. Be true to your desires
and dreams and listen with love to those of your
partner.
Create space for both of you to grow and change and
you'll probably find that your relationship can
become something even better than what you expected.
****************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and
"No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people get
more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys
to a closer, more loving relationship, click below
for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.RelationshipGold.com. |
