"Marriage Advice for Getting Out of the Doldrums"
by Susie and Otto Collins
 

In some climates in the late winter months as snow is still on the ground and temperatures don’t stay above 45 degrees, it’s sometimes difficult to remember that spring is just around the corner.

As beautiful as the snow is, this time of year, many of us long for the sights, smells and sounds of new growth and warmth that come with spring in the United States.  It feels oh so good!

If you’ve been married or with your partner for awhile, you might experience something like the “winter doldrums” in your relationship.  Nothing is dramatically wrong, yet you feel restless and longing. 

We don’t necessarily think this means you should end your relationship! On the contrary, a case of “relationship doldrums” can often be easily turned around into more passion, more intimacy, and a closer connection.

Luisa and Jimmy have been together for two decades now.  Both had parents who divorced when they were young and so they feel proud that their relationship has lasted and remained strong. 

Luisa, however, has begun to worry because she’s starting to feel bored with the routine she and Jimmy have fallen into.  Even with children, they make time for Saturday night dates but nothing ever seems to feel as exciting and passionate as is once did.

She wonders if Jimmy is having the same feelings and if their relationship will continue on in this same way or if one of them will make a stupid mistake to end it.  Neither possibility is appealing to her.

If anything in the Luisa and Jimmy story feels familiar to you, keep reading.  These tips may help you in renewing your relationship and turning away from the doldrums to the passionate intimacy you’re wanting.

Tip #1:  Get Curious

When you notice any emotions that trouble you—they could be anger, resentment, fear, boredom or restlessness—that’s a signal for you to make some time to get curious. Sit down with those feelings and take a closer look at what’s going on for you.  Where do these feelings seem to be coming from?

Often, if you can make time to sort through how you are feeling, you will find layers of assumptions and stories that just might not be true. For example, Luisa fears that Jimmy will leave her as a result of the “doldrums” in their relationships.

In fact, she notices that lately she’s been watching for signs of an affair from him.  As Luisa realizes she’s been telling herself a story about Jimmy having an affair, she might also make the connection that her own father had an affair which precipitated his divorce from her mother. 

Seeing that this fear is rooted in her past and not the present, Luisa can more easily focus on her feelings and let that story go.
 

Tip #2: Make Choices

As you explore how you are feeling and the stories you might be telling yourself, try to keep the attitude of curiosity.  When you turn curiosity into judgment, those feelings and stories can become even more entrenched. 

Avoid seeing any person, emotion or story as “right” or “wrong.”  Luisa’s belief from childhood that men will have affairs if they are not satisfied with their relationships is not “wrong” or “bad.” 

Labeling the belief in this way does not help her to let it go.  Instead, Luisa might question how accurate the belief is and see that it does not serve her or her relationship.  In this way, Luisa chooses to love and honor herself and let go of a potentially damaging belief.

We are always making choices.  No matter how stuck in the “doldrums” you may feel there is always room to renew.

After getting curious about how you are feeling, you might want to share this process with your partner.  Again, there is no “right” or “wrong.” 

Sit down with your love and talk about how you are feeling.  If you stay focused on emotions and not on stories, it is easier to avoid hurt and defensive feelings.

It may not seem easy to be completely honest with your partner and share that you are feeling dull and restless with the way things are. 

You might find, however, that he or she feels the same way and from there you can come up with ways to renew your passion that feel exciting to you both.  After that, choose to try out what you’ve decided and have fun along the way!

Just when we think we cannot take another cold, dark and wintry day, the sun returns and spring flowers begin to pop their green leaves up out of the ground.  As you turn towards renewal with your love know that the fresh aliveness of spring can happen for you and your relationship as well.

****************

Susie and Otto Collins are Relationship Coaches and authors who help people create lives that are filled with more passion, love and connection. For more tips on turning up the heat in your love relationship, sign up for their free mini-course at http://www.RedHotLoveRelationships.com