|
Does it Really Require Hard
Work to Have a Successful, Close Marriage?
By Susie and Otto Collins
We hear these words (or words similar to them) all
of the time...
"Marriage is such hard work!"
This declaration is often uttered by those around us
as they are going through a difficult period in
their relationship.
It might be that the person describing the hard work
of marriage feels disconnection, conflict or
distance in his or her marriage.
The couple might be trying to rebuild trust after
infidelity or some other form of betrayal.
Or it could be that the busy-ness of life has just
swept each of them up and one (or both) has realized
that they aren't offering attention and care to
their relationship as they once might have done.
Even if you're not going through a rough time in
your marriage right now, it may still feel to you
like a successful, close and passionate marriage is
hard work.
After all, if you don't keep on top of "bad"
relationship habits when it comes to communicating
and otherwise interacting, a wedge can quickly form
between you two.
We're going to stop right here and make an assertion
of our own...
Marriage does NOT have to be such hard work!
That's right. We believe that making a shift in your
perception of keeping your relationship strong and
connected is a vital first step in actually having
such a marriage.
When you label anything as "hard work," what is your
usual reaction to that task, chore, job, activity or
even person?
We know that just about anything that we consider to
be "hard work" is not usually something (or someone)
we enjoy or look forward giving attention to.
Think back to when you were a teenager. Perhaps it
was your job to do the dishes after dinner. So there
you stood, every evening, staring down stacks of
drippy, food-encrusted plates, glasses, pots
and pans.
Yuck! You probably looked at that job as "hard work"
and complained mightily about it too.
What if, on the other hand, your teenage self
decided to have some fun as you did the dishes?
It was still the same stack of plates and pans.
Still the same drips and crusts of food. But with a
shifted
perception, you turned the "hard work" into
something a bit more enjoyable.
You could have created a game of washing the dishes
and time yourself. You might have seen how high you
could make the suds in the sink grow as you washed.
You might even have squirted your sibling a few
times with the sprayer.
The point here is that anything in life is what you
make of it. If you approach your marriage with a
seriousness and sense of gravity, that's probably
how you'll experience it.
On the other hand, if what you want is to feel
inspired, expansive and love the connecting you get
to do with your spouse as you move through life
together, that's probably how you'll experience it.
Set an intention.
We know, there are situations that can arise in a
relationship that feel more serious and absolutely
NOT fun. Infidelity or some other weakening of trust
are certainly examples of this.
As you each heal from whatever it is that happened
and as you begin to restore trust and slowly move
closer together again, you probably don't feel very
close to fun!
You can still set an intention to approach your
partner, yourself and your marriage with as much
lightness as you can muster.
This doesn't necessarily mean that you and your
partner need to be cracking jokes as you brainstorm
new ways to communicate more connectingly...unless
you want to in a way that you both enjoy.
As you work with a relationship coach and as you
have talks about those topics that are tricky for
you and your mate, be sure you also create time
together where you two are simply having fun.
Go for a bike ride together and allow yourselves to
feel as free as you can. Watch a comedy film
together and laugh out loud if you feel inspired to.
Look for what is working.
No matter how "hard" your marital situation seems,
make it your intention to find places of ease in
your experience and highlight those aspects of your
life.
This doesn't mean that you will never feel pain,
sadness or need to dig deep within yourself for
courage to speak up and/or listen.
These may all happen from time to time.
But it can be a lot smoother and you can move closer
together as you approach your marriage and the
situation with an intention of ease and flow rather
than "hard work" or resistance and aversion.
Be sure to notice when you or your partner is
following through with an agreement or when you two
are able to resolve a difficult issue more quickly
than you used to be able to.
Celebrate even the "smallest" improvements with a
sense of light and hope.
You will undoubtedly build trust, connection and
closeness as you acknowledge and lift up the
positive changes in yourselves and your relationship
that you are seeing occur.
One day very soon you might even be find yourself
saying, "Marriage is such a joyous journey and
ride!"
****************
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and
"No More Jealousy" are experts at helping people get
more of the love they really want. Learn the 5 keys
to a closer, more loving relationship, click below
for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.RelationshipGold.com. |
