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The Marriage
Maintenance Checkup:
How Healthy is Your Relationship?
By Susie and Otto Collins
Every few months, Josie and Rich take their car to a
trusted auto mechanic for an oil change and check
up. They have an older model car with high mileage
on it.
But, they love that car and aren't ready to
trade it in for a new model.
They rely on these car maintenance check-ups to keep
their car running safely and smoothly.
As she sits in the waiting room of the mechanic's
garage, Josie begins to wonder how her marriage
would fare if it were to undergo a checkup.
She and Rich have been married for almost thirty
years. During that time, they've had many happy
experiences and more challenging ones too.
They've settled in to their lives together and they
try to stay connected with one another...but it's
difficult.
Lately, they've both been caught up in their own
worlds-- kids, careers, circles of friends,
volunteer work, home chores and more.
Josie misses those days when she felt positive,
hopeful and excited about her marriage and about
Rich. She wonders if some sort of relationship
health check would be helpful.
Have you ever thought about making an assessment of
your marriage in much the same way a car mechanic
examines and investigates a car?
A regular health check might allow you and your
spouse to identify the habits that you both have
that are moving you further away from one another.
You can more easily notice those "little" tensions
between you two that, if left unattended, could grow
bigger and drive a huge wedge in your relationship.
The intention behind a marriage maintenance check is
not to establish blame or make either you or your
mate feel guilty or inadequate.
In fact, if this is how you conduct such an
investigation, you will probably introduce even more
tension and distance in your relationship than is
already there!
The car mechanic does not yell around at the oil or
the transmission
fluid for getting low. He or she doesn't scold or
glare at the brake
pads for becoming worn.
Instead, the mechanic sees what needs to be filled,
adjusted or
replaced and then takes care of it.
How to conduct a relationship health check on
your marriage.
Josie decides to pay as close (if not more)
attention to her marriage to Rich as she does to
keeping their car running well.
When she gets home, she plans to sit down with
Rich-- or by herself-- and write down some
observations about particular aspects of their
marriage.
The key here is to make observations and keep any
blame or judgments out of it. Of course, you have
your unique perspective and your assessment will
most likely be biased in some way.
Keep reminding yourself to mostly observe and make
note of what you know to be true, not what you
guess.
You might focus in on the following categories. Here
are some possible observations you may or may not
experience in your own relationship as well.
Communication: "We share about our day
with one another every single day. However, we don't
always stop whatever else we are doing. Talks
while the television is on or while one of us is
doing the dishes is the usual way that we
communicate."
"This can make it difficult to really know that we
are really listening and fully understanding each
other."
Intimacy, Sex and Passion: "We are
intimate, but it is usually associated with
lovemaking. There is not often hand-holding or
gentle caresses, unless we are in the bedroom and
about to make love."
"There is frequently tension in our relationship
because one wants to make love more often than the
other. This has led to hurt feelings and
disagreements in the past."
Support and Appreciation: "We both try
to be there and support each other. If one of us has
had a difficult day, it's not uncommon for the other
one to do something special like run a hot bath or
give a
shoulder rub for the one who's struggling."
"We don't usually express appreciation for one
another verbally. We say 'I love you' and 'thank
you,' but mainly the appreciation is assumed, not
expressly spoken."
What's next?
After you've conducted your relationship health
check, it's time to learn from it and possibly
create some new agreements with your spouse.
For example, Josie was able to see that she and Rich
rarely express their appreciation for one another.
After talking with him about this, they both agreed
that neither of them tells the other how much they
appreciate all that he or she does very often.
At the same time, both of them shared that they'd
like to feel more appreciated.
They talked about specific ways that they each
wanted to be appreciated and then agreed to express
their feelings in those ways more often.
Be sure to recognize and celebrate the strengths in
your marriage, as well as the places where you'd
like to be more attentive and make changes.
Above all, use the relationship health check as a
tool to learn more about what your spouse wants and
what you want from your marriage and for your
future.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of Should You Stay or Should You Go?,
Magic Relationship Words and
No More Jealousy are experts at helping people get
more of the love they really want.
Learn the 5 keys
to a closer, more loving relationship, click below
for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.RelationshipGold.com. |
