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Marriage Success Tips
By Susie and Otto Collins
"A lasting marriage is the reward, usually, of hard
work and self-sacrifice."
This is the declaration made in a recent Time
magazine article about infidelity and the supposedly
eroded state of marriage today.
If you are married, considering getting married, or
want to have a long-lasting love relationship, you
might wonder what the keys to success are.
You might look at couples who have been together for
half a century or more and wonder what the secret to
their success might be.
There have been high-profile marital break-ups in
the news perhaps since there has been news
reporting-- or even gossip!
It might seem that lately there is an increase of
infidelity and divorce here in the U.S. from not
only news reports but also evidence in the lives of
those around you.
All of this can make you feel fearful and worried
about your own marriage.
Caitlin Flanagan, author of the above quoted Time
magazine article, suggests that these trends are, in
part, due to people being more focused on "romance
and happiness" and less on "sacrifice and
obligation."
The indication here is that a long-lasting
"successful"
marriage is one driven by the latter and eschewing
the former.
We could not disagree more!
Sacrifice in a marriage is a warning sign.
If you are feeling like you have to sacrifice
yourself, your happiness and even your sense of
romance in order to have a successful marriage, we
think you are pointed in a dangerous direction.
Being committed to your relationship, honoring
relationship commitments and agreements and staying
connected in even the most difficult times can all
be vital to happiness-- yes, and even romance.
When a person is truly tuned in to him or herself
and stays open and honest in communication, the door
to happiness, closeness and passion is clear and
wide.
An assumption that sacrifice is required in order
for
marriage to be a success symbolically slams shut
that door.
In fact, if the primary motivation in your
relationship is obligation and an expectation of
sacrifice, you are probably not in a very open and
connected place.
Think about the child who helps rake the backyard
not only because it's fun to leap and play in the
leaf pile, but also because it feels good to help
out as a member of the family.
There is mostly a sense of happiness and drive for
connection in the child with this motivation.
On the other hand, consider the child who is yelled
at, guilt tripped, or bribed into raking the
backyard.
There is certainly a sense of obligation and even
possibly a feeling of sacrifice.
The connection between a guilt-tripping, yelling or
bribing parent and the reluctant child is most
likely strained and distant.
Pay attention if you believe that your marriage has
to predominantly be hard work, obligation and
self-sacrifice.
If so, you might take a look at the beliefs you hold
about relationships in general and then specifically
your feelings about your mate and yourself.
Get in touch with the way you want to be in your
marriage.
No matter what challenges seem to be present in your
relationship, they can be met with a sense of
connection that allows you both to feel uplifted and
even can include a sense of ease.
But what about the tough stuff?
So you might be thinking, "Of course, this romance
and connection talk sounds nice and feels good. But
that's not always the reality. Couples run into
problems and that's when the hard work makes a
difference.”"
We're not claiming that staying connected and close
is always going to be fun and easy-breezy!
There are, indeed, times when one or both of you are
in a place that is uncomfortable and even painful.
You might feel vulnerable, hurt or confused and not
know how to get back to a place where you are even
close to romantic with one another.
Even the tough stuff can be a source of happiness,
believe it or not.
You can have a disagreement with your partner that
has the potential to be ugly and destructive to your
marriage.
And you can also have a disagreement with your
partner that has the potential to bring you two
closer together in understanding, love and
commitment.
In many ways, it all comes down to your
expectations.
If you expect your marriage to be full of struggle
and hard work, then even the minor difficulties that
come up between you two will probably feel more
intense and more challenging.
On the other hand, if your main focus is that you
love and want to stay connected with this person you
have chosen to be married to, you'll probably have
an easier feeling and more pleasing experience.
The steps you take to connect and stay connected
will not feel so much like hard work.
Don't sacrifice anything in your marriage--
including
yourself.
Stay tuned in to what you need and make it your
obligation to be happy and connect as deeply as
possible with your mate.
These intentions can carry you through even the
toughest of times.
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