|
How to Truly
Feel Supported by Your Spouse
By Susie and Otto Collins
It seems to be a common complaint from countless
people: "My spouse just isn't there for me."
Too many people that, even though they are married,
feel like they are alone.
They simply do not feel supported-- in the ways that
they want to be supported-- by their husband or
wife.
It's as if Judy is a single mother, even though her
husband Ed lives with her and their 4 children. From
Judy's perspective, it seems like Ed is content to
provide financially for their family, but to not do
anything more than that.
Yes, he's there to celebrate the kids' birthdays and
he even brings her flowers on special occasions. But
in terms of day-to-day support, Ed cannot be counted
on in Judy's estimation.
Different forms of support.
We all define the word "support" differently.
For some, providing financially for one's self and
family is the main understanding of being
supportive. After all, without money, you don't have
a roof
over your head or food to eat!
Others, however, also think of support in more
emotional terms.
This is a kind of support in which the other person
checks in with you to see how your day was. He or
she listens when you are working through a challenge
and, if you ask for it, offers suggestions and
advice-- or maybe just a hug.
Judy can appreciate that Ed is extremely supportive
of her in financial terms. They made the choice that
Judy would quit her job and stay home until their
children get through elementary school.
For now, the financial well-being of their family is
completely on Ed's shoulders. Because Judy is keenly
aware of this, she sometimes feels guilty for
wanting more.
But she does want more support than what Ed is
giving her.
Judy is happy to be in charge of running their
household and being the primary caretaker for the
kids, but she would like to feel like she isn't
always "on duty."
She would love for Ed to support her by pitching in
from time to time with the kids.
In addition to this, deep down inside, Judy craves
emotional support from Ed.
She tries to reach out to him and listen to his
ranting
when he's had a run-in with a co-worker, for
example. She'd like to receive the same kind of
compassion and engaged listening from Ed about the
trials and successes of her life.
Ultimately, Judy feels that Ed completely discounts
what she does and even who she is. Sometimes, she
wonders what happened to the connection and passion
that they used to share.
Develop a habit of asking for support.
As much as many of us feel a lack of support from
our spouses, just as many of us don't do a very good
job of asking for what we so desperately want.
Of course, it would be fabulous if your husband or
wife could read your mind (or your nonverbal cues)
and begin to support you the way that you want to be
supported.
But, you might be waiting-- growing even more
frustrated and dissatisfied-- a long time for that!
Instead, we recommend that you sit down with your
spouse and have an honest, non-blaming discussion
about support and your relationship.
You can express to your mate that you are feeling
alone, overwhelmed or however you might be feeling
without making him or her the "problem" or the "sole
cause."
You can be honest while you also encourage openness
and connection.
Have specific ideas ready to suggest during this
conversation. Ask your partner if he or she is
willing to support you in these particular ways.
It can be helpful to be as concrete as possible in
terms of the actions you'd like him or her to do for
you. You could even offer a general idea of how
frequently you'd like this to happen.
Try to listen with an open mind to your partner's
response to your request for support.
He or she may not have been aware that you
needed this particular kind of support. It could
that your partner thought he or she was being
supportive of you.
It is also possible that your mate is feeling
stressed out and in need of certain forms of support
as well.
We do not recommend that you turn this discussion
into a competition about which one of you
works the hardest or is more supportive of the
other.
The ultimate goal here is to connect and for each of
you to get what you need from the relationship and
one another.
Be open to receiving the support that your spouse
can give at this time.
With the couples that we coach, we often find that
the person who feels unsupported is not always open
to receiving.
Due to beliefs such as: "I have prove my worth" or
"Nobody can get the job done as well as I can,"
people close down to the ways that others try to
support them. It may seem contradictory, but it
happens all of the time.
As deeply as a person wants to be supported, he or
she sends out all kinds of signals and messages
that, "I can do it all by myself."
If you have these tendencies, recognize them. Ask
yourself whether you are truly open to receiving the
kind of support that you want.
If you are, keep a close watch on your thoughts and
beliefs that might lead you to close the door to the
support that is already being offered.
Pay attention to what your mate does and acknowledge
when support is given. The more that you notice
what's going right in your relationship, the more
success moments generally occur.
If your mate is unable to give you the kind of
support that you need at this time, you could choose
to step back your request a bit and, together with
him or her, find some supportive actions that are
possible right now.
You don't have to think about this as "settling for
less."
Instead, it's about meeting your partner where he or
she is. This can encourage a connection from which
the two of you can build.
From this place of growing appreciation, you can
more fully receive all that your spouse is offering.
****************
Susie and Otto Collins are
Relationship Coaches and authors who help people
create lives that are filled with more passion, love
and connection. For more tips on a great
relationship, sign up for their free
mini-course at
http://www.collinspartners.com/
|
