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Why It's
NOT a Good Idea to Make Your Spouse Your Everything
By Susie and Otto Collins
Camille has been married to Joseph for over a year
now and she is disappointed, to say the least. It
seems like Joseph just isn't there for her as
completely as she wants him to be.
Yes, he's a good man. They have fun together. Their
lovemaking is passionate and close. He's dependable
and faithful.
But...
Joseph isn't everything to Camille-- like she
thought a husband should be. Especially when it
comes to supporting Camille when she is down and
feeling emotionally fragile, Joseph seems to freeze
up and not know how to act.
It appears to Camille that he wants to be there for
her, but he just isn't able to.
Do you find yourself wishing that your spouse would
be your everything...and when you realize that he or
she isn't, you become frustrated and maybe even
resentful about it?
When we talk about someone being your "everything,"
we are referring to the assumption that some people
make that when they get married
their mate will just about literally fulfill all of
their needs.
This "everything" often means that the spouse is
expected to be lover, emotional support, best
friend, confidante, and more-- all of the time.
What "everything" exactly is to a person will vary.
Many people would not consciously set up such a tall
order for their mate, but they still hold the
expectation.
The next time that you find yourself annoyed that
your partner has let you down, you might look
closely at the kind of expectations you have of him
or her.
Of course, you need to be clear within yourself and
with your partner about the kind of support and
connection you'd like.
A couple in a committed
relationship should be able to count on one another
for many things.
But, it is neither realistic nor fair for a person
to be held responsible for fulfilling all of his or
her spouse's needs all of the time.
Here are some tips to help...
Make connecting a priority AND receive certain forms
of support from other sources.
We most certainly encourage you and your partner to
make your marriage a priority. Too often, couples
drift apart as they begin to lead separate lives.
They can become so busy that they lose track of
one another and the passion between them fades.
Be sure that you two continue to communicate and
really engage with one another on a regular basis.
At the same time, be open to sources of support that
are outside your marriage.
Perhaps your friends provide you with a level of
emotional bolstering that your partner is not as
adept at giving you.
Maybe your extended family is there for you in other
ways that your partner cannot be.
Be clear within yourself and with these other people
that your marriage relationship is the place where
you share your deepest and most intimate self.
But, you can also rely on others in your life to
help you feel more fulfilled and happy in less
intimate ways.
Camille begins to look a little more closely at her
frustrations with Joseph. She is not going to stop
sharing with him when she feels down or emotionally
fragile.
She is not going to shut down
emotionally around him just because he doesn't react
in the way she'd
like him to.
What she IS going to do is this...
Camille decides to be more specific with Joseph
about the kind of support she needs from him when
she feels emotionally fragile. She will ask him to
hold her closely, for example.
She also plans to call a good friends of hers when
she feels this way. This is a dear friend whom
Camille trusts and also is someone whom she has felt
emotionally supported by in the past.
Allow space for you and your mate to be
individuals.
When a couple gets married and has been together for
a long period of time, they can start to feel like
one unit instead of two individuals who are closely
bonded.
There is an important distinction here.
When you and your spouse are free to continue
exploring who you are individually, you will
probably both feel more fulfilled and excited by
life.
The learning and growing will not stop or stagnate.
The great thing about this is that your marriage can
also become richer and more passionate as you each
find out what helps you feel more alive and unique
as individuals.
You can appreciate this growing in one another and
you can let that passion spill over into your
interacting-- both in and out of the bedroom.
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Susie and Otto Collins are
Relationship Coaches and authors who help people
create lives that are filled with more passion, love
and connection. For more tips on turning up the heat
in your love relationship, sign up for their free
mini-course at
http://www.RedHotLoveRelationships.com
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